March 12, 2008

• Phew...day has been pretty good...went to yoga during lunch and am happy about that, but the true highlight of my day was when I ran into Brett in the stairway.  Ahhh...Brett... =)  We got out of class early so I came home for a bit before grabbing Bethany to go study.  I did good.  I figure I need to get work done because Saturday is going to be a complete write-off...and in all likelihood Sunday too.

  I can't believe everything that's happened in the past 24 hours, has happened only in 24 hours.  It feels like it was a week ago.

  Last night was intense, sucked really.  Talking to Beth always beats me up a bit and my innards are more exposed.  Being in that frame of mind is fine when all you plan to do for the rest of the night is curl up in bed; anything more is asking for trouble.  I didn't want any trouble...but I feel like I incited things a bit because everything is on high alert and the slightest insult becomes a terrible blow.  Last night was a terrible insult, and a catastrophic blow.  But it had to happen.  I know I denied it, I know I can reason my way around it, I know I can convince myself and convince him otherwise...but at the end of the day, he's right.  I am ashamed and feel horrible about it.  I feel defective and deformed.  I feel unworthy; like this characteristic will outweigh everything else that I am.  That this will be enough reason to cut me off...so my reaction is to restore the image I want to portray or to break away first. 

  I know this isn't "normal".  I know why.  I don't know how to make it stop.

  I do know, like a physical wound, you have to admit that there's an injury.  You have to expose and explore it to find out what you have to work with.  You decide where you want to get to...and then you can draw up a plan to get there.  It's such a simple principle in theory, practice is another matter.  There's a reason that animals have a survival reflex.  There's a reason that there is herd victimization...but drilling that out of my head is difficult.  But it's not impossible.

  So here it is.  I admit that it's a big problem.  I admit that I try to cover it up.  I admit that its roots run very deep.  I admit that it is a part of who I am; that this is the reality I have to work with.  It is what it is.  No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise...no matter how tightly I close my eyes or wall myself off, it is what it is.  It's reality.

  • 2:42 am
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