March 13, 2008
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Ask and you shall receive...
I didn't want to go out with Robbie today...and as it turns out, he's playing with the kids this afternoon and is letting me have the afternoon off. Yay!
Still mixed about this morning. How is my life any different than what it is now if we don't talk? If I don't feel connected? What does the relationship provide then? On the flip side, feeling connected, but not being able to do anything about it is torture. The more connected I feel, the more I want it...and the more I seek it...which I will always opt for in place of things like working or studying. I do what I HAVE to do, but I'm so good at procrastinating and knowing that I'll be fine in the end; I know I can afford to put things off until I absolutely have to do it.
But this is the year of change...
I need to learn that distance doesn't equate to punishment and abandonment...and unfortunately, this is a 'learn by doing' type of activity. I'm just afraid that I'll be more inclined to keep going. I guess it's a natural progression...I know that I'm safe while connected (that took a while)...now I have to take it one step at a time and endure the uncertainty of that distance...until it becomes certain that things are still safe...heh - sorta like dog training. Woof! I should set up a reward system for myself....hell, I already have the DAP - it's just in pillow form.
Beth suggested I consider animal behavior and the reaction to stress, pain, and trauma. Like when Guinness first came to us...you couldn't move your hand up quickly without her flinching. Or how she was a glue dog at the dog park. She had so many "issues". Now, most of her phobias are gone...and she's quite the social butterfly at the dog park. She'll leave, romp around with some buddies...but inevitably, she'll stop playing and look around for us. Once she spots us, she rockets over to get some hugs...and after a minute or two, off she goes again. Sometimes she doesn't see us before we notice that she's looking...if we don't call her, you can see her start to panic - she'll begin running in a random direction and will stop and scan again. By that time, I feel so bad for letting her suffer, I just call her over. She just needed to check in and be reminded that things were ok and that we didn't leave her. Time, patience, and compassion got her to where she is now...a much happier, much more secure dog. But I never loved her any less for any of it...she was never a bad dog...and shit, how many times have I said, "It's not the dog that's bad, it's the owner who hasn't taught it well." Now I'm supposed to apply what I know about all of that, to myself. I get it...I understand what she's getting at...I guess I just have to go at my own pace...and be patient and compassionate to myself (as much as is possible anyway)...as long as someone is there to see it through. But I am not a dog. I should be able to do more, understand more...and it frustrates me that I still feel the way I do.
I have so many domestic things to do, but I know they'll get done much sooner than I will have the time, motivation, and brain cells available to study...so after a quick nap, I'm going to go somewhere for some study.
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