March 19, 2008
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I have to convince myself that there's nothing to be afraid of...and there isn't. What's the worse that can happen, right? In any case, I'm glad I asked...now I won't look like a sketchy bastard.
It's the last day of school before the Easter holiday. Crazy how fast it's gone. I'm spending the next two weeks in clinics even though I'd much prefer to stay in bed for the entire duration. I was thinking that I should take a week off and just catch up on work, but I'm not sure if its worth it...I dunno. I am sick so there is an out, but why do later what I can get out of the way now? I guess it comes down to, do I want one week off at the end of the semester or two? What I'd really like to do is get through finals, spend a week in a clinic, spend a week traveling before going to the NZVA conference and then go home. We'll see how it all works out though.
Things with Mark are good. Having time scheduled keeps me calm because I know that no matter what (or pretty darn close to it), I will see him at the prearranged time. But what's even better is that I'm beginning to feel like it's ok to talk to him in between too...that I'm not violating any sort of unspoken rule that states I'm not allowed to make contact in between. All in all, it's good. I can make contact if I want to and won't winge too hard because I know that there's a time when I know he'll be there...I think before it was harder because the "catch as catch can" method leaves things too open and is unnerving. Feeling uncertain of when, and especially IF, I'll see him again really blew because then I'd be more preoccupied with seeking out opportunities to reconnect instead of feeling secure enough to just do my own shit and trust that there will always be a next time. It's getting easier.
I guess it makes sense...if you never know if there will be a next time, of course you'd cling on for dear life. If all you know is "now", then patience is impossible because it implies that there will be a future. Perhaps that's why I'm an extremely impatient bastard.
Healesville wrote back...I know I'd get the internship if I applied. I know that it's a desirable position...that it's a good opportunity. But just because I can get it, just because it's a "good opportunity" doesn't mean I have to go down that road...I've been thinking about what makes something a "good opportunity"? Good for what? To make that judgment, I think it can be classified as good if it helps you to reach a goal. What happens if your goal is unclear? What happens if it changes and you're stuck with a decision that was made before the change? I guess that's just life. You never know. I guess what I'm stuck on is this: doing work on wildlife is fun; it makes me feel like I'm making a difference somehow...it makes me feel like I'm caring for something that otherwise wouldn't get any attention...wildlife don't have an owners to fret over them. But I'm not sure if rehab work makes any difference at all...I mean, the best way to protect them is via government policy...which is influenced by scientific studies. Epi shifts focus from one animal, to a whole population...and I think I'm the type of person who can respect the rights of the individual, but am willing to bend things a bit for the benefit of the greater good. So, if I am against zoo work, and would rather make an impact a the population level, why should I fly further across the world to work on rehabbing obscure Australian critters? Because it'd be fun...but is that enough? I think I would rather be in a place where my skills are nurtured and where I feel comfortable trying and asking questions instead of a place where I can cultivate skills that'd be useful if I were to go into zoo or wildlife rehab...but only if the people are willing to teach, etc. etc. etc. There are a lot of factors to consider. One of the things that has really stuck with me is a comment from one of the 5th years (who failed and is now repeating) who said that she had focused too much on zoos and wildlife that she wasn't able to refine the basic skills that everyone needs. Now she's paying for it with another of school. I do not want that; another year apart and another 40 grand is not something I want to risk, not even remotely.
Take the safe road or take the risk?
I think what I'm grappling with isn't a matter of go/don't go. I think my goals have changed and I know where I'd rather be, but its really hard to let go of something that's driven me to where I am today. It was my passion for rehab that has made me strive as hard as I have. I know it's a tight field and most kids would kill to be in the position I am. To give it up now for a cushy life seems like I'm failing somehow...like I'm taking the "easy" road out...I dunno. Too much swirling in my head...need to stop and read up on knots and suturing before lab.
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