March 26, 2008

• What a day.

  The morning:
  Had my normal early start, but instead of putzing around, I actually studied and read up on some of the things I wanted to follow up on like OVH and castration procedures, some stuff on parvo, and tons of other stuff.  Good on me!

  The middle:
  Clinic time was good.  It wasn't as hectic as yesterday, but it was busy.  Some highlights: we accidentally mixed up two black cats and sent one home with the wrong owner.  Oops!  Funny thing is, she petted and cuddled this cat not realizing that it wasn't hers...  The parvo puppy wasn't eating and doc wanted to pass a nasogastric tube.  The tube was way too big and as he futzed around, I thought it would be a good idea to see if the pup would just eat on its own with a bit of encouragement.  Sure enough, after getting a bite of food into its mouth, it decided that it was voraciously hungry.  Yay me.  It's much better for the critter if it eats on its own...after dealing with insanely stupid Kereru, I figured it wouldn't hurt to just remind the pup what it was supposed to do with the glop it was presented with.  That was a feel good moment - also did good when I identified a normal sinus arrhythmia and an ear drum that was really iffy.  The coolest thing today was that I encountered a grade V murmur.  I could feel the turbulence just feeling the old dog's chest.  It was unreal.

  I was invited to come back and do my calving there...I'd like to simply because I wouldn't have to go very far...could just stay home instead of schlepping up north and needing to take vacation during the August release when I have 2 new objects that are supposed to go in.  I dunno.  Will talk to Elly about it.  There's always that fine balance between wanting to learn and wanting to take the easy way out.

  The rest:
  Went to physio, which was good...my back and neck are so screwed up.  It sucks.  I was told to date a masseur...which is fine as long as Mark is willing (to learn how to massage; vs. allow me to date a masseur).

  Came home to some not-so-friendly emails from work regarding 3 TPRs for one of my reports.  The TPRs came up in the late afternoon PST and they threw a tanty because I was nowhere to be found and they had no way of getting to me any sooner.  Ah well.

  I was too tired to stress.  I just wasn't feeling well - which is the perfect time for all of my defenses to shut down and for me to feel like the biggest weenie in the world.  I called Mark.  I needed comfort...if we were in the same hemisphere, I'd just want to sit in his lap and [silently] decompress...but I don't have that luxury.  And being silent while on the phone is just weird...so talk we did.  And what else surfaces when I'm all weenie-like?  All sorts of very deeply rooted thoughts that I've been mulling on...ones that can really impact the relationship; for better or for worse.  The last time this happened, it was the catalyst that lead to a major breakdown/breakthrough.  This time, I think we both managed to get relatively unscathed.  But it did give me some food for thought...

  As primitive and sexist as it sounds, deep down, I really just want to be protected.  I want to know that I'm safe, that I'm provided for that no matter what happens, someone will be there to lead me and tell me what to do.  Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly deep down and really only surfaces when I feel really poos.  That desire is really palpable when I'm feeling my worst, but I know that even when I'm vehemently defending my independence, that undercurrent of desire is there...I think it's just ingrained in us (or at least me) as a primitive instinct to survive.

  Anyway, so, basically I'm a big weenie who wants a knight in shining armor and a happily ever after.  It's so...last decade...but still true.  It got me thinking about the traditional male role as the provider of the family...of the protector...the leader.  As far as women have come in terms of equality, I think that most of us still expect to be taken care of...not to be the provider.  Imagining myself in that role is frightening.  It's a lot of pressure.  But this day in age, the roles can, and are, being reversed.  Women can be the corporate ladder climbers while dad stays home with the kids.  I dunno...I always thought I'd be fine with that, but this was before I realized I was such a weenie.  It's just interesting how much things can change...and how quickly.  Not to say that I won't change my mind back, but if I do, the reasoning and motive would be quite different.  Interesting stuff.

  After that mind twister, I took an hour nap, woke up, worked out the bugs...and that brings us up to now.  Now, I'm tired, I want to sleep.  I have to get up in 4.5 hours...sigh, what a day...

  • 7:47 am
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