12.5 hours and it still hasn't completely sunken in.  I know that I've been waiting for this for the past 3 months, but now that it's here...I don't know what to think or feel.

I feel excited, scared, hopeful, happy...it's a bit of a potpourri really.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I am scared that, although we work very well together "in theory", that it won't translate well into reality.  The reality is that...that I have this whole other life that no one from my past world is a part of.  And I don't know how to merge the two.  I feel like here, I'm one way here, but in LA, I'm different.  Here, I'm just me...there, I'm somewhere in between who I was (in the eyes of others) and who I am now.  It still feels disjointed for me.  I feel like he's coming to visit my life, just as I was passing through his earlier this year...it's all just weird.  It's not an "our" life yet...and I think this visit will help sway us one way or another on that idea...

I guess the idea of blending is still too foreign for me...up until now, contact in the relationship was always a discrete event.  We'd talk to each other and then when we were done, the line of communication ended with the click of a button.  Now...even through the silence, so much can be communicated...there will never be a complete cessation of information...and I'm afraid of where that will lead...

I guess it just feels exposing.  I won't be able to hide behind the distance.

Oh well.  12 hours left...and hopefully I'll be able to just snooze through most of it.

Room is spic-n-span, groceries are all sorted, and most of the little things are done.  =)  Feeling pretty good, just the normal tired from bad sleep.  3 days left...

Shower and study time. 

The decision has been made for me.  It's going to be raining...and I ain't gonna be up in alpine weather when that hits.  Only a week ago did people get caught up in Tongariro when the weather turned...that's not a fate I wish to follow.

Decisions, decisions...to go or not to go...guess it depends on how productive the day is...need coffee. 

The countdown is pretty unbearable.  5 days.  If I go, 2 of those I'll be too preoccupied notice.  If I don't, I can get enough stuff done so that I can actually enjoy the next couple of weeks...and maybe even sleep.

Looks like it'll be an early day tomorrow.  Another system checkout slated for 830am PST = 330am NZT.  Joy.

S'ok though.  Means 3-4 hours of work which is good.  I still need to get crackin' on that report.  Really should get the spec done today and send it out before coding is due to start on the 24th.  Poos.

Also really want to be able to charge the full 20 hours by this week... =/ Don't want to wait until July really.

Sigh. 

I didn't even realize that I did it, but I did...I gave someone else the full ability to comfort me...and crazily enough, it was comforting!  It was a strange evening, to say the least, but I felt like there's been movement and I'm glad for it.

This is going to be a short week due to ANZAC day.  I want to go to the sunrise ceremony this year; I missed it last year, and the year before that, I was picking my sister up from the airport and missed it.

Aside from that, another normal week - a couple of quizzes to prep for and the same ol' same old.

Ugh...frustrated.

Nothing I can do about it.

Gonna go for a run.

I can't sleep.  It's no surprise that I find myself here after an evening filled with nothing.  I should have made an attempt to sleep after Mark logged off...but well...I got curious about stuff and spent way too much time surfing the net to satisfy my curiosity, but never addressed my very real need for sleep. 

It's quite a cycle.  If I can't sleep, I think (or vice versa), and thinking never leads to an end point...it only spurs the mind and imagination to travel further.  And I've never been one to ignore the call...which results in this restlessness.

It's this inner restlessness and constant pursuit of "something" that makes my head spin and the rest of my body long for an anchor.  I want to stop...but I'm terrible at doing so.  On the contrary, all I seem to do is goad myself into doing more.  This week was operated on a higher energy plane; I got a lot done, but I think it's more of an over compensation for everything that I haven't been doing.  I'm hoping to settle in somewhere in between.  I'm hoping I can.  I am tired of oscillating between two extremes. 

I am just tired.

having a job doesn't translate into getting paid unless work is done.  if work isn't assigned, there is nothing to be done...but if you never do work, no one will ever assign anything to you.

I think I've fallen into the latter category.  I could be more proactive.  I could finish all my stuff earlier and ask for more assignments...but I haven't.  Hell, I've even had a report taken off my hands - and I didn't even notice that it was offloaded three weeks ago!  Damn.  I'm not making very good use of this opportunity.  I've been lazy.  I've been sitting on my hands for the past 2 months since school started.  And its not just work...it's school too. 

It's time to get my ass into gear.

Realistic goals for today:
School-read and take notes for uro - clinpath and medicine.
Work-read through the func specs and research what needs to be done for the report.

I think I've been in 'off' mode because of all sorts of internal restructuring that's been going on.  Before, it was an either/or.  I could either be in work mode, or I could be in touchy-feely mode.  Never both...it was just too draining.  Everything feels so different now that I know I can do both...and do it well.  It makes me excited and hopeful and happy.  =)

Off to study.

2 weeks.

The rain has been coming down really hard and it makes such a wonderful racket.  It's nice to be able to snuggle under the covers knowing that the chaos can't reach you.

All is quiet today and I even got a decent night of sleep.  The week promises to be uneventful...I think the gang's meeting up at The Bean Cafe tonight and there's Pub Quiz tomorrow.  Before I know it, it'll be the weekend again...