April 5, 2008
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Its funny. Mary said she can hear, in my voice, how happy I am...how whole I sound. She said that she's never heard it from me or seen me like this before. What's funny is that I've had one of the most intense mornings in recent memory- I still feel exhausted. I've been having a lot of those lately, but this one was a doozie.
I think as each one comes and goes, it gets easier to confront and move on, even though the pain is progressively worse. I've been told countless times that no one has ever died from an emotion. It's just a feeling and no matter how desperate it feels, it won't kill you. I know, it sounds silly, it's quite obvious that feelings can't kill you, but they still pack quite a punch. Lots of stuff won't kill you, but I'd still stay away because they're wholly unpleasant. But that's my homework...to tolerate that feeling of...being completely bare and defenseless; vulnerable. Whats worse is that I am even supposed to set time aside and get there on purpose. It's strange to fight to stay in that state of being terrified instead
of doing what any living creature would automatically do - get the fuck
away. It's no wonder I'm somewhat masochistic - that margin between what's considered "good" and "bad" is so grey that it takes on new form that's neither, but just is. I get all confuzzled.I spent a lot of time reading over the old letters today; mine and his. They're a godsend. It's like owning the DVD to the best experience in the world and being able to replay, rewind, and jump to your favorite chapters. As I read I can't help but recapture some of those brilliant feelings. It's good. I'm gettin' old; I need all the reminders I can get.
That's why, despite the morning's events, Mary could hear me be all soppy and happy and crap - I guess it's because I am. =)
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