April 6, 2008
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I should be studying.
But there's always a lot on my mind.
I spent a decent chunk of time last night thinking about NYE and how on earth things escalated so quickly. I question my motives that night. It doesn't change the outcome or result, but...I just wonder. This is all on the heels of another "breakthrough" or more accurately, breakdown, in which I was called out for being what I've always feared of becoming. Ouch. It was that aspect of personality that was operating that night...and I knew it at the time. I didn't expect the head-over-heels fall that followed - it's karma.
I've known for a while that I have a leaky memory when it comes to matters of the heart. To hold on to an emotion in the context of history (memory) and to hold it in a broad picture requires that you've been held in that same frame. I think I let things go, good or bad, because every day was a new start - one perceived "betrayal" (which had such a wide scope) was enough to derail any evidence of "loyalty" up to that point. There was no history. There was only the present situation and you either lived or died in that moment - and that's how you live, moment to moment. It would go the other way too, if there was some overwhelming display of allegiance, all wrongs were pardoned and the world was bright again...but as every kid knows, you fuck up more than you do right most days...and all you really remember are the times you fuck up and whatever consequences that follow. It's learning from your mistakes.
I see now that I operate in the same way...outside the context of history...and unfortunately for anyone around me, it means that they do, relative to me anyway, too. But things change, people change, I am changing. The little I can hold on to right now is already making an impact. The silences aren't as bad. The shift of focus is more neutral. It means more stability and independence for me...it's nice.
That said, I'm not all there yet. I haven't really talked to Mark since he left for Dallas...and it puts me in a weird limbo. It's a learning experience where I have to trust that things don't change dramatically, moment to moment. I'm not there yet and I can't help but distance myself - I'm in limbo halfway between knowing that I'm safe and wanting to run away, screaming. There's such a disconnect. My head knows things are fine, but from the neck down, things are primed for a sprint. Multiply that feeling over 5 days and the result is a core meltdown.
He's back in LA tonight and...I'm nervous.
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