April 28, 2008
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12.5 hours and it still hasn't completely sunken in. I know that I've been waiting for this for the past 3 months, but now that it's here...I don't know what to think or feel.
I feel excited, scared, hopeful, happy...it's a bit of a potpourri really. I don't know what's going to happen. I am scared that, although we work very well together "in theory", that it won't translate well into reality. The reality is that...that I have this whole other life that no one from my past world is a part of. And I don't know how to merge the two. I feel like here, I'm one way here, but in LA, I'm different. Here, I'm just me...there, I'm somewhere in between who I was (in the eyes of others) and who I am now. It still feels disjointed for me. I feel like he's coming to visit my life, just as I was passing through his earlier this year...it's all just weird. It's not an "our" life yet...and I think this visit will help sway us one way or another on that idea...
I guess the idea of blending is still too foreign for me...up until now, contact in the relationship was always a discrete event. We'd talk to each other and then when we were done, the line of communication ended with the click of a button. Now...even through the silence, so much can be communicated...there will never be a complete cessation of information...and I'm afraid of where that will lead...
I guess it just feels exposing. I won't be able to hide behind the distance.
Oh well. 12 hours left...and hopefully I'll be able to just snooze through most of it.
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