Money matters on the mind.  It's nearing tuition time again and it always stresses me out to see so much go at once...and to know that there's so little coming in and that it's going out faster than I can earn...

I dunno.  As with any money imbalance, in order to set things right, either I have to make more, or I have to spend less.  Or both. So I think I'm moving out of my place and moving into Ab's and S's sleepout. It's off from the main house so it'll feel like a separate space and I'd have to walk over in order to get to the main house for the kitchen and toilet and stuff. I'd be saving about 1200 over the next 6 months...probably even more since I don't pay for utilities when I'm not around. As for work, I've been meaning to get a bunch of coding done so that I can ask for more work. I want to do it tonight and see what my prospects are. This gig is totally a cash cow and I've been really slack these past few months.

I hate stressing about money. The sooner I get in the black, the better. It is possible.

Tonight...clean room...and we'll go from there. Its 5pm and I'm tired and headachey, but things have to get done.

I know things'll be ok...I just fret because that's what I do.  Whatever will be, will be.

Another tame Friday night, but I love em'. We watched ANTM and then after a round of wine and desserts, we gathered 'round for Juno.  It was cute.  I liked it.  Gives me the warm and fuzzies inside.  Kinda hard to watch it with a room full of happy couples, but eh, that's life...soon though...very soon.

As I was watching the movie and thinking, I guess I realized that there were never any dealbreakers...just excuses to provide enough distance should I have needed an 'out'. It was a proactive defense. I'm still scared, but I know that there's nothing to be afraid of.  We love each other - cheesy, but true.

I got to talk to Mary for a while tonight, it was really good to catch up.  I like her.  I miss her too.  As we were talking, it occurred to me that she has more dirt on me than anyone - the juicy stuff anyway.  She's already promised to embarrass me in front of Mark...can't wait...torture is the way we show affection and she LOVES me. =)

The last week of lectures ended uneventfully.  Nothing to really look forward to except finals.  Then home.  Was thinking of working at Charlie's through the study break, but putting a good effort in now, even if the MTs don't count for much, will put me in a way better position for the end of year finals.  If I blow this off, I know I'd probably get swamped trying to catch up at the end of the year.  The last thing I want to do is to repeat 4th year. So for the next week, it's all study.

I am am the newest member of the 'blowout' club. My scoot stomped on a nail on my ride back from town and luckily I was only going 35kph.  At that speed, I could still swerve and wobble over to the side of the road that was only like 15 feet away, but when you feel like you have no control, it feels like an eternity. Serious heart attack. I can't imagine being at highway speeds when something like that happens.  I really can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I was riding anything heavier. If ever there was something that would put me off of motorcycles, this would be it.  I am sufficiently scared. I'll still scoot around town, but the Hayabusa will just have to wait for another lifetime.

Stink.

I walked the 2 blocks to get home and am now trying to figure out what to do...need to find a patch up kit so I can get it to the shop.

can't sleep.

Although I know that time goes neither slowly nor quickly, this past week has been hellaciously slow.  Last weekend, I slowed down long enough to realize how much I missed Mark, and this past week that's about all I could think about.

Today I realized, how I feel comes down to where that focus goes...or more importantly, where it takes me and the journey along the way.

Last weekend, I slowed down long enough to realize how much I missed Mark...but I didn't understand why.  What I didn't get was the emotion itself.  What does it mean to miss something...and why does it feel so crappy? And how do I make it stop? These question launched me into the world of developmental psychology and I found myself reading about the experiment done on infant rhesus monkeys to research contact comfort.  From there, I read about attachment and how its formed in early life...including what happens when it goes wrong.  As it always is, one thing leads to another and I found myself hopping all over the internets in a quest to understand.

The findings:
Attachment is a fundamental part of life.
Separation from an object of attachment elicits a stress response because it is linked to our instinct for survival.
Comforting physical contact is important for many, many reasons...
To be lonely is to be alone - unwillingly.

The conclusion:
It sucks to be apart because it's supposed to.

Revolutionary, I know.  I guess I just needed a reason or validation for feeling so crappy.  I needed to prove to myself that I was feeling. That was Friday's epiphany.

So I'm supposed to feel like crap, but now what?  I understand why it happens, but it's time to figure out how to stop it. "Missing" can boil down to the belief that the present is inferior to the past.  I miss Mark - this implies that Mark is not here, that he was here, and that his presence is preferred over his absence.  Easy.  Focusing on this comparison between the past and the present is what set up the conditions/definition of loneliness (aka feeling crappy) - I want things to be as they WERE not as they are.  I've always had trouble with living in the present, and this is no exception. And who'd a thunk it, but I also have a penchant for self-torture and negativity.

Now where does this leave me? It leaves me with a choice - continue to focus on the past and hone in on the negative outcome of change, or to adapt and come back into the present. I have the power to make that choice.

It all sounds so obvious, so simple.  But stuff like this has a way of playing out behind the curtains and you just end up feeling stuck or frustrated or angry or sad or just plain confused, but you don't know why. I think I get there when I forget that I have control over my own life. I have control over what I think, which feeds into how I feel. So silly, so simple, and so easy to forget.

And that's it. Stop focusing on what was; instead, focus on what is.

So, yes, the visit was awesome. But the importance of anything in our past is its impact on us today. The visit confirmed that everything we felt 5 months ago wasn't idealized.  What we have now is real and our dedication to each other is concrete. It gave us a preview of the happiness that is to come as a couple.  And at least for me, I saw what I needed to work on as an individual to be a better partner. Those two weeks were monumentally important; it signified either the continuation of something amazing, or the end of it.  I'm ecstatic that it was the former and not the latter. This is what I am choosing to focus on; the things I have...not the things I lack.

Sure, it'd be great if we were together, but I'm really happy about where I am.  I'm happy about where I'm going. We have a lifetime to be together and though the distance sucks, it's facilitated several learning opportunities that I know I wouldn't have gotten otherwise (at least not for a long while). With that in mind, I'm actually really grateful for it; a blessing in disguise. Somewhat akin to Santiago's "misfortunes" in The Alchemist. All in all, I figure this is just life's way of teaching me the long overdue lesson in patience.  The universe has one hell of a sense of humor, but now, I'm laughing too. =)

Feeling pretty darn good.  Had a long and uneventful week and except for the XXX rated ram practical, things were relatively tame.

Got some study in today, kinda excited to get some study done tomorrow.  What's become of me?

I just realized that I'm not feeling the same level life-tiredness that I'm used to.  Not sure when that happened, or how, or why, but it feels really good!  Wicked.

Day's over and so is the Equine assignment.  It wasn't as bad as I thought, but then again, I wasn't chosen to do the role play (go lucky greens!).

Had a really long day yesterday and had the chance to gather my thoughts last night and put an end to some of the incessant noise that manages to eek its way in.  I guess I re-realized that I am a very fortunate person and that I really like my life.  I know I get frustrated with things sometimes, but ultimately, I have the power to change things if I so choose.  Thing is, I like where I am.  I like where I'm going.  It's more than most people can say.

It's easy to forget how much power I actually have.  It's incredibly easy for me to slip into the mindset where I am a victim and things are beyond my control.  It's incredibly easy to forget that I put myself where I am now.  I tend to forget that I WANT to be here.  I guess I've just been griping about school a lot lately and though it is a lot of work, I'm actually enjoying myself.  I like learning.  I like being able to hang out with friends all day.  I like having an entire classroom of people to winge about.  I like the regularity of it all...and the power of being able to shirk my responsibilities if I wanted to.  Being a student comes with its own freedoms and limitations and I guess I'm determined to enjoy it while I still can.  I only have one more semester of lectures to get through before a whole new phase of life begins when I enter clinics...and after just a year of that -- I'll be a vet.

Mark's departure, my first surgery, and the May release/Upgrade all fell last week.  I was fine until it all caught up with me last night and I finally had the time to be still.

S'all good.