It's the latest I've been up in a while...but I can't sleep.

I looked at two places today. The first was definitely more what I'm all about. It was a small unit, at the end of a row of 4, tucked away from the street. It was cozy. I liked it. We could build a home there...and it's available now. I guess one could say that it's on the expensive side, but looking around, it seemed like a nice, quiet place. That's all I really want; some quiet.

But the hunt goes on. I think I will keep trying to look tomorrow...I don't have lab until 10 tomorrow. It's a friggin miracle; this week has been so cruisey. I am lovin' it. It probably means I should  be doing work...but yeah, I'm distracted. I just want Mark to be here and I want to move already. This is what happened to me with the last move. I couldn't settle down until I actually did it. Once I was committed to moving, I didn't sleep for almost? over? 24 hours because I just wanted it done and over. Same applies here, but I feel like there are so many stumbling blocks still. Hell, Mark still hasn't even bought his ticket...I feel like I may be jumping the gun a little. I'm just so tired. I hate being in limbo and I know I won't be settled until things get settled...until I have a date, until I have a place, until it's set up, until I can finally get on with it. But I guess that's the problem...I'm focusing on the end point, the goal, and not enjoying the journey at all. I just feel so out of sorts...I feel like major parts of my life are in the air...I feel out of control...I feel scared. But I don't know what to do about it.

If it's not one thing, it's another. I guess it's just the nature of life itself.

I finally got to talk to Mark and am feeling a million times better about everything. I'm really excited and really happy about it. It couldn't happen sooner...just one month...I can wait one month.

BUT now I get an email from George saying that my hours have been continually flagged for reasons beyond my understanding...and my forecast which allowed for 70 hours a month is being cut down to 10. I only charge 25 of that 75 because I didn't want to appear abusive, but now, mother grumble grumble. Beggars can't be choosers. I guess that's just how the universe works. I needed the job to pay for tuition when the exchange rate had reached historical highs...now that things are easing, so is my opportunity to earn. I can't complain too much, I am getting off easy compared to my comrades. It makes the margin between what I have and what I can potentially stand to keep away from tuition that much smaller...and has increased the likelihood of needed to take out student loans for 5th year.

Another semi-long day. But at least we get out at 3. I wanted to go shopping to start gearing up for the big move, but it's not essential. We can make do with what I've got.

Life's a blur. Everything is a blur. I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Pressure from school, pressure from my personal life, pressure from...everything and I notice that the weight isn't lifting up as it used to. I'm not sure what it is, but it introduces a lot of fear and uncertainty into my head that I'm trying to keep a lid on. Maybe I just need time.

Mark is planning to move to NZ. It's huge. It's incredible. But it's also terrifying. There'll no longer be that thin veneer of distance that obscured the seriousness of our relationship. It'd be the official start of "our" life. Up to this point we've been pretty separate except for a few honeymoon type stints that never lasted more than a few weeks at a time.

I'm afraid...and though deep down I know we'll be ok because it's so easy to be around each other, until it actually happens, the only thing my mind can cycle through is scary stuff. I am even afraid to get my hopes up...nothing is 100% until it actually happens and we're only in the beginning stages of planning. I'm in limbo. And I hate limbo.

Beth says it's just a fear of growing up...the added responsibilities being a vet...the added responsibilities of being a partner...it's a huge shift. It's normal to be scared.

Sigh. Need breakfast...need to start the day.

Had a long day. Stayed on campus after class to study for a little bit then went to Pump. Now I'm just tired...time for bed for sure.

I miss my boy; it's beginning to sound like a broken record, but it's all I got.

So far, life with the flatties has been good. One week in and it feels like family...not too surprised because I know A&S so well, but Jason has made a really good addition to the bunch...maybe only because he's so good natured when we make fun of his ADD but damn, it is funny. It took him 3 hours to make scrambled eggs for dinner the other night; it's one of those riotous situations where you can't really watch because it's just a train wreck, but you can't stop because it's just too funny. From trying to position the toaster, to having the burner on the lowest setting possible for over 40 minutes before realizing things weren't cooking...the antics never seemed to stop. Good fun.

The rest of the week should be pretty quiet. I want to keep trying to get on top of the school work, but the focus is kinda lacking. I miss my boy.

First day of the second week of school and things are clipping along with the same intensity.

We had a long horse lab today which just reinforced how little I know...my brain is still reeling from last week's sheep lab and my first time wielding the captive bolt. Sigh. I haven't thought of it too much...it's probably a good thing.

At Elly's now watching the Prince of Egypt. It feels like study week all over again; minus the studying.

Still haven't started my assignment yet. Ugh.

So distracted. Not sure why. Just can't and I'm not sure it'll do any good to resist. Maybe it's one of those cases where motivation will follow action, but I can't even be bothered to try. Ironic, eh?

Gonna mull out the rest of the evening and see where things take me.

It's been a while, I know.

I spent the last few weeks in the States, 2/3 in LA and 1 week on the east coast. Vacation was wonderful. I didn't do a lick of school work, and I didn't feel guilty about it. It was a true vacation; I needed life to stop for a little while, and it did.

But now I'm faced with getting back into the swing of things after a number of weeks of being pampered with all the time in the world to do what I wanted. I ate, I slept, I played, I cooked, I shopped, and best of all, I spent days on end with Mark. The east coast trip was great and I came away thinking and feeling like a part of the gang; I get the warm fuzzies thinking about it. The rest of my time in LA was mostly spent playing video games. Life doesn't get much better than that.

I couldn't have planned a better schedule for our first week back. Quite a number of lectures and labs were canceled which left me with lots of time in the middle of the day to run errands or to just come back for a much needed nap. I'm not sure why but the exhaustion of it all is taking its toll and though I sleep 8-9 hours a night, I still get tired through the day. Maybe I just need this weekend to recover...after all, it's only my 5th day back.

Now what? Time to get back on track with school. I have an assignment due on Monday, and another before we head off for calving in August. I just want to keep on top of things...I need to pass 4th year. I don't want to be apart any longer.

Other things that's been brewing - Mark's supposed to be down for a visit in September, new approach to money and finances, adjusting to life with flatties, on a diet and exercise regime because I have a race to win, and in general just trying to balance responsibilities with my needs.

Life's good...not easy, but good.