July 26, 2008
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Life's a blur. Everything is a blur. I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately. Pressure from school, pressure from my personal life, pressure from...everything and I notice that the weight isn't lifting up as it used to. I'm not sure what it is, but it introduces a lot of fear and uncertainty into my head that I'm trying to keep a lid on. Maybe I just need time.
Mark is planning to move to NZ. It's huge. It's incredible. But it's also terrifying. There'll no longer be that thin veneer of distance that obscured the seriousness of our relationship. It'd be the official start of "our" life. Up to this point we've been pretty separate except for a few honeymoon type stints that never lasted more than a few weeks at a time.
I'm afraid...and though deep down I know we'll be ok because it's so easy to be around each other, until it actually happens, the only thing my mind can cycle through is scary stuff. I am even afraid to get my hopes up...nothing is 100% until it actually happens and we're only in the beginning stages of planning. I'm in limbo. And I hate limbo.
Beth says it's just a fear of growing up...the added responsibilities being a vet...the added responsibilities of being a partner...it's a huge shift. It's normal to be scared.
Sigh. Need breakfast...need to start the day.
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