On vacation, and though it's nice, I am beginning to get stir crazy.

I got to scrub in with Andrew today for a cruciate repair...and it really is amazing to see a good surgery being performed by a skilled surgeon. I guess that's why he makes all the big bucks, he's a good surgeon. Was neat though; I was petrified of him, but he didn't fire tons of questions or anything...just chatted like a normal person. Crazy.

Week has been tumultuous; I like this clinic. It's not as 'hands on' as I'd like, but in a way, I think it's just me not asking to do stuff enough. I'm definitely not as proactive as I could be, but I think these folks like me well enough as is. I guess I'll see what they have to say on evals. I'm curious to see what Richard has to say.

Other than that just feeling the same ups and downs as usual.

Mark is looking for work now, and we're hopeful that he'll get something soonish. It sucks to feel like money is real tight, but we have it pretty good compared to most.

Have been really shit about work lately. I just hate feeling like an incompetent retard all the time. Not just during the day in the clinic, but I get to come home and feel even worse when dealing with work and the missed deadlines and broken programs that need debugging. I dunno. I'm sure if I just devoted more time to it, it'd be fine, but I just hate it. I'm entertaining the thought of quitting, but I don't think I can. Partly because I want to get out of that constant feeling of being poor and making money is the only way to really resolve it. I don't think my requirements for daily life are all that extravagant, but no matter how much money I make, I never see any of it...I still feel poor; like I can't just relax. I guess I'm just paying for all those trips back to LA and being spoiled by having my own place for 2 years instead of flatting. Oh well. Another reason I want to keep going is because it pays damn well. Even though I stress about it all the time, when there's nothing to do, I'd still make enough to cover rent for the month - just 8 hours of work for all that. And since Mark is transitioning...I dunno. I'm just conflicted. Working makes me stressed, not working and being poor makes me stressed. No winning.

Ideally, we'll win the lotto and live happily ever after.

But until then, it's back to work...back to life.

Made it. I passed all my classes; no supps even! I'm officially a 5th year student. This time next year, I'll have finished vet school.

Things are still taking a while to sink in. In a way I don't want it to be true. I think I'm just adamant about staying where I am. I want to be stuck. I am afraid to move forward, but I don't know why. No reason in particular...just think life is hard. And I'm tired...too tired to want to try. I'm stuck; forced to keep at it because of my sense of duty, but really wanting to just let it all go.

I don't get why...when everything is so good...why it still feels so difficult. Just makes me feel worse because I know none of it is justified. Makes my head spin.

The past week was good. Spent time in Farm Services...learned a lot, but had a hard lesson in "health and safety" when I burned my right hand on a disbudding iron. Hand is a bit crunchy now, but I'm sure it's not as bad as it could be. Richard and Kevin were great and I had a lot of fun doing PA stuff. It made me second guess my smallies choice, but Elly reminded me that it's great fun because there are other students and people around...disbudding 150 calves is only tolerable in a group. I can't imagine doing all of them alone. Boring.

Next week will be at CityVets working on smallies stuff...will hopefully have a functional hand by Monday.

Mark's birthday today/tomorrow...had Hell pizza as a treat, but wasn't as spectacular as I remembered. Stomach is a bit unhappy from the meal. Excited about tomorrow...not sure what it holds, but just want to spend it with my birthday boy.

Tired. Shower. Sleep.