What a day.

The morning:
Had my normal early start, but instead of putzing around, I actually studied and read up on some of the things I wanted to follow up on like OVH and castration procedures, some stuff on parvo, and tons of other stuff.  Good on me!

The middle:
Clinic time was good.  It wasn't as hectic as yesterday, but it was busy.  Some highlights: we accidentally mixed up two black cats and sent one home with the wrong owner.  Oops!  Funny thing is, she petted and cuddled this cat not realizing that it wasn't hers...  The parvo puppy wasn't eating and doc wanted to pass a nasogastric tube.  The tube was way too big and as he futzed around, I thought it would be a good idea to see if the pup would just eat on its own with a bit of encouragement.  Sure enough, after getting a bite of food into its mouth, it decided that it was voraciously hungry.  Yay me.  It's much better for the critter if it eats on its own...after dealing with insanely stupid Kereru, I figured it wouldn't hurt to just remind the pup what it was supposed to do with the glop it was presented with.  That was a feel good moment - also did good when I identified a normal sinus arrhythmia and an ear drum that was really iffy.  The coolest thing today was that I encountered a grade V murmur.  I could feel the turbulence just feeling the old dog's chest.  It was unreal.

I was invited to come back and do my calving there...I'd like to simply because I wouldn't have to go very far...could just stay home instead of schlepping up north and needing to take vacation during the August release when I have 2 new objects that are supposed to go in.  I dunno.  Will talk to Elly about it.  There's always that fine balance between wanting to learn and wanting to take the easy way out.

The rest:
Went to physio, which was good...my back and neck are so screwed up.  It sucks.  I was told to date a masseur...which is fine as long as Mark is willing (to learn how to massage; vs. allow me to date a masseur).

Came home to some not-so-friendly emails from work regarding 3 TPRs for one of my reports.  The TPRs came up in the late afternoon PST and they threw a tanty because I was nowhere to be found and they had no way of getting to me any sooner.  Ah well.

I was too tired to stress.  I just wasn't feeling well - which is the perfect time for all of my defenses to shut down and for me to feel like the biggest weenie in the world.  I called Mark.  I needed comfort...if we were in the same hemisphere, I'd just want to sit in his lap and [silently] decompress...but I don't have that luxury.  And being silent while on the phone is just weird...so talk we did.  And what else surfaces when I'm all weenie-like?  All sorts of very deeply rooted thoughts that I've been mulling on...ones that can really impact the relationship; for better or for worse.  The last time this happened, it was the catalyst that lead to a major breakdown/breakthrough.  This time, I think we both managed to get relatively unscathed.  But it did give me some food for thought...

As primitive and sexist as it sounds, deep down, I really just want to be protected.  I want to know that I'm safe, that I'm provided for that no matter what happens, someone will be there to lead me and tell me what to do.  Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly deep down and really only surfaces when I feel really poos.  That desire is really palpable when I'm feeling my worst, but I know that even when I'm vehemently defending my independence, that undercurrent of desire is there...I think it's just ingrained in us (or at least me) as a primitive instinct to survive.

Anyway, so, basically I'm a big weenie who wants a knight in shining armor and a happily ever after.  It's so...last decade...but still true.  It got me thinking about the traditional male role as the provider of the family...of the protector...the leader.  As far as women have come in terms of equality, I think that most of us still expect to be taken care of...not to be the provider.  Imagining myself in that role is frightening.  It's a lot of pressure.  But this day in age, the roles can, and are, being reversed.  Women can be the corporate ladder climbers while dad stays home with the kids.  I dunno...I always thought I'd be fine with that, but this was before I realized I was such a weenie.  It's just interesting how much things can change...and how quickly.  Not to say that I won't change my mind back, but if I do, the reasoning and motive would be quite different.  Interesting stuff.

After that mind twister, I took an hour nap, woke up, worked out the bugs...and that brings us up to now.  Now, I'm tired, I want to sleep.  I have to get up in 4.5 hours...sigh, what a day...

...the clinic...oh, the clinic.

It was like stepping back a century where microscopes were illuminated using a mirror and sunlight, and anaesthetic machines were still in-circuit.  Sterilization was done by boiling and steaming...and resuscitation was done by blowing on the end of the ET tube.  I'm amazed.  I mean, there's no scavenge on the damn anaesthetic machine so if you're in surgery for 4 hours, then you're inhaling iso (at least it wasn't halothane) for 4 hours.  It's no wonder I felt woozy the whole time.  The X-ray machine was in a back room, and for our protection, we just went into the front room...haha...sigh, I'm sure my unborn progeny will thank me one day because I was too lazy to go outside to get further away.  Ah well, they'd be screwed anyway with me as a parent.

All said, it was fun.  The vet is really smart and, though he's a bit deaf, still easy to talk to.  No matter what, I'm still learning...I know I have a long way to go still and even if what I see is outdated, I can make that judgment call - at least I know enough to make a decision.

Feeling good...have lost the voracious appetite finally and am eating normally again.  Life's pretty good in general...I'm happy...really feelin' the love.  =)

Have had a good couple of days.  The room is just about as organized as it will ever be and I finally feel like I'm fully moved in - only took a year, but better late than never.

Feeling sleepy.  But good.

I barely noticed it, but I had a major victory today.  I reached out, but didn't get a reply.  I even rang, and didn't get a reply...and yet, I didn't think twice about it.  No fret, no fear.  I went out to lunch with Bridey, and didn't even come home to check messages - just went straight to Bethany's so we could head out to the beach.  Things just feel really different; good different.  I know that it wasn't always like this...I know I could have easily panicked, but I still feel safe, and that, for me, is a major victory.

Talked to Mary for a while yesterday.  It was really nice to catch up.  We got onto the topic of life and direction and striving towards goals.  I told her about 5th year and Oz...and I told her that after a lot of grappling, that I decided that I'm going to stay in LA.  The awesome thing is that she totally got it; she stayed in Sunnyvale for the same reasons.  I know that we're both very prone to restlessness and flight (it's the Gemini way =) ); we both need excitement and an element of the unknown; something to fuel that insatiable curiosity...  We never pictured settling down...but if you think about it, staying put is so out of character that it provides that element of the unknown...that excitement.  I have a pretty good idea of what things would look like if I went to Oz...it's the same road I've been pushing for this whole time.  But I have absolutely no clue, none whatsoever, what life would look like if I stayed in LA.  No idea where I'd live or work.  No idea where it would lead me...what doors would open up...or what experiences are yet to be discovered.  If I went to Oz, I'd get to work on fun critters.  I'd make contacts; I'd be on the lookout for the next wildlife opportunity.  I'd just keep pushing myself in the same direction; it's different, but rather predictable.

I guess I realize that staying put is far more intriguing right now...and that amazing things can happen when you stop pushing...when you just let life happen.  I guess I realize that things do fall into place, and that element of letting an experience unravel without provocation is simply awesome.

I'm working on my taxes.  I'm stressing about money.  I'm unsure about where this is all going...somewhere good, hopefully.

I've been grappling with the Healesville stuff for a little while...and that's only the tip of the iceberg.  There's also Perth, Mote in Florida, and Rarotonga that's on my list...there's others too.  LA was never on the list before, but now I have a compelling reason to at least think about it.  And after days of thinking and oscillating, I'm nowhere nearer to the answer.  I am looking for the next sign post, but I just don't see it and being suspended in this state of limbo really sucks.

As much as I hate it, I just have to wait and see.

If I buy Rockband off of ebay/amazon and get it shipped, Customs will likely snag it and charge me at least 20% of its cost in NZD for duty/gst/customs fee/processing fee/pulling stick out of their ass fee...sucks.  No wonder people are selling those things for 500 bucks.

I can wait...I will wait.  It's just that I've gotten fixated on the idea that I want it and it's really hard to get it outta my head.

Didn't sleep enough last night, but feeling good overall.  Had a good talk with Beth today...was nice to be heard.  She said that she doesn't envy my position...well shit, neither do I.

Need to get a nap in and some work done.

I have had a wonderfully unproductive day.  I slept for 10 hours, woke up, ate and played video games, took a nap, had lunch - complete with ice cream and coffee...and now I'm futzing around online!  Good shit.  Makes me happy anyway.  =)

My cold has gotten loads worse and the sneezing/coughing/sniffling trifecta has been successful in making me feel less than wonderful.  Ah well. 

Random, but whatever bug(s) bit me at the cattle prac yesterday has left my forearm looking like its got the mumps.  Itchy as all hell; its amazing the amount of response there is.  Probably because my immune system is already on high alert, but geez - not fun.  The worst one is on my left pinky.  The swelling has made it difficult to bend my finger.  I guess I wouldn't care so much if it didn't make playing GH3 just that iota more difficult.  Sigh.  I'm such a dork. =)

Gonna study the rest of the day until I take Bevan to the airport...may end up feeding the critters early because I don't really want to go back there tonight.  Trying to think if I needed to do anything oven related...but nothing comes to mind.

Miss Mark as usual, but it's easier to bear during the day and besides, a shower followed by clin path calls so I don't have too much time to mope.  I want to get a grip of clin path done, and see how far I get on medicine.  I'm gonna try to reorganize my path folder and start writing up ABCDs for the diseases relevant to this year.  Luckily, there's quite a bit of overlap.  Learning is fun!

I have to convince myself that there's nothing to be afraid of...and there isn't.  What's the worse that can happen, right?  In any case, I'm glad I asked...now I won't look like a sketchy bastard.

It's the last day of school before the Easter holiday.  Crazy how fast it's gone.  I'm spending the next two weeks in clinics even though I'd much prefer to stay in bed for the entire duration.  I was thinking that I should take a week off and just catch up on work, but I'm not sure if its worth it...I dunno.  I am sick so there is an out, but why do later what I can get out of the way now?  I guess it comes down to, do I want one week off at the end of the semester or two?  What I'd really like to do is get through finals, spend a week in a clinic, spend a week traveling before going to the NZVA conference and then go home.  We'll see how it all works out though.

Things with Mark are good.  Having time scheduled keeps me calm because I know that no matter what (or pretty darn close to it), I will see him at the prearranged time.  But what's even better is that I'm beginning to feel like it's ok to talk to him in between too...that I'm not violating any sort of unspoken rule that states I'm not allowed to make contact in between.  All in all, it's good.  I can make contact if I want to and won't winge too hard because I know that there's a time when I know he'll be there...I think before it was harder because the "catch as catch can" method leaves things too open and is unnerving.  Feeling uncertain of when, and especially IF, I'll see him again really blew because then I'd be more preoccupied with seeking out opportunities to reconnect instead of feeling secure enough to just do my own shit and trust that there will always be a next time.  It's getting easier.

I guess it makes sense...if you never know if there will be a next time, of course you'd cling on for dear life.  If all you know is "now", then patience is impossible because it implies that there will be a future.  Perhaps that's why I'm an extremely impatient bastard.

Healesville wrote back...I know I'd get the internship if I applied.  I know that it's a desirable position...that it's a good opportunity.  But just because I can get it, just because it's a "good opportunity" doesn't mean I have to go down that road...I've been thinking about what makes something a "good opportunity"?  Good for what?  To make that judgment, I think it can be classified as good if it helps you to reach a goal.  What happens if your goal is unclear?  What happens if it changes and you're stuck with a decision that was made before the change?  I guess that's just life.  You never know.  I guess what I'm stuck on is this: doing work on wildlife is fun; it makes me feel like I'm making a difference somehow...it makes me feel like I'm caring for something that otherwise wouldn't get any attention...wildlife don't have an owners to fret over them.  But I'm not sure if rehab work makes any difference at all...I mean, the best way to protect them is via government policy...which is influenced by scientific studies.  Epi shifts focus from one animal, to a whole population...and I think I'm the type of person who can respect the rights of the individual, but am willing to bend things a bit for the benefit of the greater good.  So, if I am against zoo work, and would rather make an impact a the population level, why should I fly further across the world to work on rehabbing obscure Australian critters?  Because it'd be fun...but is that enough?  I think I would rather be in a place where my skills are nurtured and where I feel comfortable trying and asking questions instead of a place where I can cultivate skills that'd be useful if I were to go into zoo or wildlife rehab...but only if the people are willing to teach, etc. etc. etc.  There are a lot of factors to consider.  One of the things that has really stuck with me is a comment from one of the 5th years (who failed and is now repeating) who said that she had focused too much on zoos and wildlife that she wasn't able to refine the basic skills that everyone needs.  Now she's paying for it with another of school.  I do not want that; another year apart and another 40 grand is not something I want to risk, not even remotely.

Take the safe road or take the risk?

I think what I'm grappling with isn't a matter of go/don't go.  I think my goals have changed and I know where I'd rather be, but its really hard to let go of something that's driven me to where I am today.  It was my passion for rehab that has made me strive as hard as I have.  I know it's a tight field and most kids would kill to be in the position I am.  To give it up now for a cushy life seems like I'm failing somehow...like I'm taking the "easy" road out...I dunno.  Too much swirling in my head...need to stop and read up on knots and suturing before lab.

It's 7pm and I'm so tired -- I'm thinking of going to sleep right now.  How much of a nana am I?

I'm sure it's just been one of those days...I woke up early and stressed over my taxes.  I didn't eat enough during the day, but worked out during lunchtime and then went for a 20 minute run.  Plus, we covered equine euthanasia today...and saw videos...kinda disturbing.  Then I went to the physio and got everything manipulated...there was a 20 minute period where my shoulder was completely pain free...now things are starting to tighten up again.  And finally A & S are at it again...it appears there may have been another woman....it makes me wonder if people can change...or is the best indicator of future actions really only past actions?

I think people can change - but sometimes, I think they just don't want to.

Tired.

Ever wonder what the difference between the definition or usage of the words proclivity and propensity?  I bet it keeps you up at night not knowing.  =)  I've always used them interchangeably and as it turns out, I was right to do so.  They mean the same thing and there's no situation that calls for using one over the other.  Now that that's sorted out, I can finally breathe easy... =)

Feeling really good.  Woke up after a decent night's sleep and made my beans.  They're damn good too.  My slow cooker is awesome!  Also cooked up some potatoes and discovered that my truffle salt is degrading...it's more salt than truffle - sad.  I loved it too much and never used it except for the special occasions...and now I'm left with plain salt.  Poos.

Day seems promising.  I want to futz around with the furniture for a bit, talk to Mark and then hunker down to study.  Party this afternoon at Lone Star and then hopefully a good night's rest.  Sleep is decent, but I'm still getting night sweats and waking up far too early.  I'll wait a few days and see what the doc has to say.

Off I go.

OMG.  Talk about a feral experience...it was kinda what I expected, but kinda not.  It was actually a lot more calm than I had initially imagined.  But, it was wasn't tame by any accounts.  There was a mud pit, a lube pool and the ever entertaining, huge lube slide that lead into the pond, at least 5 kegs of beer, many boxes of wine, and something termed the "bitch mix".  All that, coupled with a bunch of very rowdy people means that good fun was had by all.  Its funny to think that it's only 4pm and I'm already nursing a hangover...

We started downing the beer at 8.  I was pretty much pissed before 9.  I managed to stay out of the pit and pond for a while, but by 10, so many people were dragged kicking and screaming that I figured it'd be best to just get it out of the way and do it willingly.  My chance came when Kevin wanted someone to ride him down the slide.  Hah.  Why not me, right?  Trudi apparently thought so, and volunteered me for the uh, position (haha!).  He was lubed from head to toe and is so hairy that the lube managed to form a decent protective layer on his skin.  I figure, why should I bear the brunt of bouncing and tumbling on the plastic which had no cushion between it and the very hard, pebbly ground underneath.  So off we went.  I climbed onto my noble steed's back and we rode off into the distance...and into the freezing, muddy, water below.  It was actually a lot of fun.  =) 

After stumbling out of the pond, Kevin decided that I needed to experience the mud pit too...I wasn't willing this time, but who am I against a large Irish man?  I was completely covered in mud.  I'm sure I even ingested a bit (at least ensuring I got my daily dose of trace elements!!).  I tried to rinse off in the pond as best I could, but the water was just too cold.  I trudged my way back up the hill with these mud-caked dreadlocks reminiscent of the Swamp Thing.  As we were complimented on our performance, I was told that it was all captured on film - great.

The sun hadn't burned off the clouds yet and it was freezing...I shivered for what seemed like an eternity before Trudi gave me some food and Liv offered up some home made carrot cake.  Yum.  That helped.  My second trip into the pond was also voluntary.  I was very tired of the mud-locks and, well, there is only one fast way into the pond.  I was invited to join the Morley sisters, but as we were trying to group, someone - Krispin I think - bull rushed all of us and 5 girls, myself included, ended up skidding and sliding our way to to the bottom.  At least the mud was out of my hair.

I changed clothes shortly after that and spent the rest of the time chatting with people.  That part was a lot of fun.  I stopped drinking by probably 11 and was pretty much totally sober by 1.  I can't say that for most people though.  They started hard and kept on going. 

The drunker people got, as you can imagine, the more things disintegrated.  Some highlights include a game called "Shit Slap" where a bunch of people huddle around a pile of shit, put their faces to the ground, and the one person standing takes a shovel and slaps the shit.  The person who got splattered the worst, gets to wield the shovel the next go-around.  Sigh.  We are quite a feral group.  It gets worse though...the boys in this degree love to cross dress...I saw more boys in girls clothes today than I've seen in a LA tranny club.  A number of guys were in bathing suits!  With all the rough housing that was going around, bits and bobs were inevitably exposed for all the world to see.  I know some of my classmates far too well...wish I didn't but its hard to miss when they stand right in front of you and don't put the damn thing away.  Gross.  And still...it gets worse.  There's something called 'fire-hosing' which is basically pissing yourself...just letting it rip.  I only know of 1 girl who did it, but there were quite a number of guys who would be in conversation....and then piss would be dribbling down their leg.  One of the more "spectacular" shows was the guy in women's lace underwear...there was no dribbling...there was an arched stream.  Heaven only knows why I'm writing all of this down...I'd much rather forget some of the things I witnessed.

But there it is...my first...and probably last bar-b-grog.  I got pics, but my digital was fried from the biking accident in Perth so I got a little disposable.  The good ol' trusty film camera. 

I'm tired...want to nap.