Ugh...frustrated.

Nothing I can do about it.

Gonna go for a run.

I can't sleep.  It's no surprise that I find myself here after an evening filled with nothing.  I should have made an attempt to sleep after Mark logged off...but well...I got curious about stuff and spent way too much time surfing the net to satisfy my curiosity, but never addressed my very real need for sleep. 

It's quite a cycle.  If I can't sleep, I think (or vice versa), and thinking never leads to an end point...it only spurs the mind and imagination to travel further.  And I've never been one to ignore the call...which results in this restlessness.

It's this inner restlessness and constant pursuit of "something" that makes my head spin and the rest of my body long for an anchor.  I want to stop...but I'm terrible at doing so.  On the contrary, all I seem to do is goad myself into doing more.  This week was operated on a higher energy plane; I got a lot done, but I think it's more of an over compensation for everything that I haven't been doing.  I'm hoping to settle in somewhere in between.  I'm hoping I can.  I am tired of oscillating between two extremes. 

I am just tired.

having a job doesn't translate into getting paid unless work is done.  if work isn't assigned, there is nothing to be done...but if you never do work, no one will ever assign anything to you.

I think I've fallen into the latter category.  I could be more proactive.  I could finish all my stuff earlier and ask for more assignments...but I haven't.  Hell, I've even had a report taken off my hands - and I didn't even notice that it was offloaded three weeks ago!  Damn.  I'm not making very good use of this opportunity.  I've been lazy.  I've been sitting on my hands for the past 2 months since school started.  And its not just work...it's school too. 

It's time to get my ass into gear.

Realistic goals for today:
School-read and take notes for uro - clinpath and medicine.
Work-read through the func specs and research what needs to be done for the report.

I think I've been in 'off' mode because of all sorts of internal restructuring that's been going on.  Before, it was an either/or.  I could either be in work mode, or I could be in touchy-feely mode.  Never both...it was just too draining.  Everything feels so different now that I know I can do both...and do it well.  It makes me excited and hopeful and happy.  =)

Off to study.

2 weeks.

The rain has been coming down really hard and it makes such a wonderful racket.  It's nice to be able to snuggle under the covers knowing that the chaos can't reach you.

All is quiet today and I even got a decent night of sleep.  The week promises to be uneventful...I think the gang's meeting up at The Bean Cafe tonight and there's Pub Quiz tomorrow.  Before I know it, it'll be the weekend again...

Had a yummy Sunday dinner with friends.  Ready for bed...hoping to have some good sleep and good dreams.

I fell asleep last night feeling really...full.  Emotionally fulfilled.  Complete.  Safe.

It's not often that I feel it, but when I do catch a glimmer, it's the most spectacular feeling in the world.  I think it's only a matter of time before it's a feeling that I can always keep with me.  =)

The past few days have been trying.  I felt like I was being exorcised.  Friday night was the worst when the downward spiral of thoughts sent flashbacks of feeling the anger and despair that have been kept under lock and key since the time that they happened.  One memory after another - it was intense, but it was also interesting because I could step back and get perspective as it was all happening.  I learned a lot...

Today looks like it will be a tame one.  Gonna get some housework done and then, I intend to study. 

God loves a trier...and apparently so do I. 

I've never thought about why, but it just came to me.  Doing something difficult takes a lot of courage...and, going back to my teenage Nor Cal roots, its hella hot.  To persevere despite the discomfort or fear speaks volumes of a person's character and this day in age, when people want things handed to them on a silver platter, or want to take the easy way out, that trait seems to be in short supply.  It takes strength to hope, and see, that change is possible...it takes courage to actually try to achieve it...and both when you hit bumps along the way. 

The clin path quiz went alright yesterday.  Not my best, not my worst.  It's worth so little that it really doesn't matter, but I'd still like to do well for my own sake.  I missed the pub quiz last night, but there's always next week - I'm not at all fussed.  It's a downhill slide into the end of the week.  I have lab all day
and then Elly is taking me to a hangi.  I'm kinda excited because
I feel like I get to be involved in a community event that I'd normally
only get to experience from the outside.  It's something
different...and real.

Gonna get my day started...and eat.  Heading up to campus early to try my hand at reviving the scooter and looking at rads before lab.

I should be studying...

I think that every morning, but never manage to crawl out of bed and into the chair.  S'ok. 

So far, so good.  Aside from a heart pounding scooter-related experience yesterday, everything else is quiet.  Quiet enough to start planning ahead - I started looking at flights b/t July and Dec.  There are options...but...yeah.

I wonder how'd we fare if we really did have to wait til June...part of me thinks that it'd be fine - where I'm at now, I think I'm getting used to the feeling and start to think, what's another 10 weeks?  But I don't know if that's such a good thing.  If I could shrug off more time apart, isn't that a bad thing?  Does it mean that I'm coping better with the distance?  Or does it mean that I'm distancing myself and can therefore cope better?  Its not too applicable now because the count is at 20 days, but before we know it, it'll be July...

All quiet on the working front.  Not sure where the conversion type stuff is headed, but I need to get cracking on those reports because my hours are scheduled for this month and the faster I finish, the better off I'll be if/when things pick up.

Ok, gonna get up and study for reals.  Have a quiz this afternoon and don't want to fail.

3 weeks.  Crazy.

Things are pretty quiet.  Need to study for clin path and get a cattle quiz out of the way this week.  Feeling good.  Glad I got to talk to Mark last night...slept alright and woke up on time.  4am start is kinda killer.

Have an hour before school.  Was gonna attend the FI Dev meeting, but I really don't wanna...so I won't.  Whatever.  Almost none of it is relevant to me anyway.

Sleepy.  Not wanting to go to school today.

I should be studying.

But there's always a lot on my mind.

I spent a decent chunk of time last night thinking about NYE and how on earth things escalated so quickly.  I question my motives that night.  It doesn't change the outcome or result, but...I just wonder.  This is all on the heels of another "breakthrough" or more accurately, breakdown, in which I was called out for being what I've always feared of becoming.  Ouch.  It was that aspect of personality that was operating that night...and I knew it at the time.  I didn't expect the head-over-heels fall that followed - it's karma.

I've known for a while that I have a leaky memory when it comes to matters of the heart.  To hold on to an emotion in the context of history (memory) and to hold it in a broad picture requires that you've been held in that same frame.  I think I let things go, good or bad, because every day was a new start - one perceived "betrayal" (which had such a wide scope) was enough to derail any evidence of "loyalty" up to that point.  There was no history.  There was only the present situation and you either lived or died in that moment - and that's how you live, moment to moment.  It would go the other way too, if there was some overwhelming display of allegiance, all wrongs were pardoned and the world was bright again...but as every kid knows, you fuck up more than you do right most days...and all you really remember are the times you fuck up and whatever consequences that follow.  It's learning from your mistakes.

I see now that I operate in the same way...outside the context of history...and unfortunately for anyone around me, it means that they do, relative to me anyway, too.  But things change, people change, I am changing.  The little I can hold on to right now is already making an impact.  The silences aren't as bad.  The shift of focus is more neutral.  It means more stability and independence for me...it's nice.

That said, I'm not all there yet.  I haven't really talked to Mark since he left for Dallas...and it puts me in a weird limbo.  It's a learning experience where I have to trust that things don't change dramatically, moment to moment.  I'm not there yet and I can't help but distance myself - I'm in limbo halfway between knowing that I'm safe and wanting to run away, screaming.  There's such a disconnect.  My head knows things are fine, but from the neck down, things are primed for a sprint.  Multiply that feeling over 5 days and the result is a core meltdown.

He's back in LA tonight and...I'm nervous.