January 21, 2008
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Uneventful...more of the same.
I'm trying to get my work done so I don't have to worry about it next week when, no doubt, I'll have other things going on. So far, so good. I guess situations like this are what I'm best at - push through whatever turmoil to get shit done. Beth says it brings out my inner toughness. One would think that happiness would boost my productivity, but I find the opposite is true. I think I use work as a form of escape so when I'm happy, I just want to revel in it. The bad thing about that is, the more I focus on work, the deeper I dig myself in, and the more walled-off I become. The more that happens, the worse I feel, and the urgency to run away sets in. I know it's a defense mechanism. I know it's outdated. But it's a constant struggle. I think before, I would have given in...why struggle, right? What's there to fight for? I've fought my whole life - I'm tired, I'm just so tired. I could feel how close I got to giving in. But now...though the exhaustion has been well worn, I know have to keep trying. It's worth it. It will be worth it.
I think the most difficult part of staying open is that, although I have the capacity to feel unbounded happiness, I also have the capacity to feel unbounded sadness. Unfortunately, I still have a lifetime's supply of the latter to wade through...
Dad flies in later tonight...will be interesting...
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