February 4, 2008
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In Perth, HOT as hell...getting work done before I disappear into the wild blue yonder...
Monday 4-Feb-2008,
9:32pm, PerthI went in search of the internet.
On a scale of 1-10, (with 10 being “completely” safe). I’d rank my little stroll at about a 4. Not due to the lack of lights or dirth of
normal people…but because of the higher-than-expected number of not so normal
people...That, coupled with my poor sense of direction, and being in
a brand new city, made for a less than ideal evening jaunt.On the map, the free wi-fi zone was only 4-5 blocks away. The sun just set and it was still light
enough out. I figured I would walk to
the wi-fi zone, do my work thing and then stroll back while there would still
be lots of people milling about.Things I didn’t anticipate:
- The
length of a block is longer than what I expected - Perth’s
CBD shuts down early – it was only 9pm
but all the shops, restaurants included, were closed up. - With
no shops really open, there weren’t as many people milling about…not the
normal ones anyway.
All in all, it was fine, but it was lower on the comfort
scale than what I can/will/should tolerate.
I won’t venture out after dark any more.Why on earth would I do such a thing? Work.
That dark storm cloud that constantly hovers over my head, but rains
money – a necessary evil. As I was
leaving Palmy, I checked my email to find a Critical TPR with my name on it…oh
joy of joys. I hate having things go
wrong with my programs. I hate dropping
the ball…but I’d also hate getting maimed along the streets of a strange city
just so I don’t have to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing others.So, that’s that. No
more adventures after dark…and work is just gonna have to deal. If I get fired, I get fired. I am not willing to risk my own safety for
something that is arbitrarily deemed “critical” by some hoity toity end user
with a stick up their ass. I will get to
it tomorrow. They will live. And better yet, I will live.Wow, I just drew a boundary.
Yay me!I talked to Mark briefly today. It was 3am PST
when I rang. I feel bad that he worries
so much, but living life can sometimes mean risking it too. I wouldn’t say this trip is on the extreme
end, but regardless, I don’t want to live in fear of “something” happening,
otherwise nothing would ever happen…and what fun is that?I miss him.
Lots. One interesting thing is
that we touched briefly on how this separation is necessary for us…and we both
came to the same conclusion, separately.
=) That makes me glad to know
that we’re thinking along the same lines…that we really do see eye to eye. Damn, I miss him. We also talked about what song you’d want to
listen to if you were about to die. I
think mine would be Death Cab’s “Follow you into the dark”. Just something about that song that’s really
spoken to me lately.It’s late and I’m tired.
Gonna shower and sleep…not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I can’t
wait to find out. =)Monday 4-Feb-2008,
1.5 hours away from Perth, mid-flight.There are so many things swimming around in my head right
now that I just need to get them out.
Funnily enough, the moment I want to get my thoughts out on life and
such, is the moment the airplane hits massive turbulence. Coincidence?
Perhaps, perhaps not.This is my first “real trip” alone…I mean, I’ve never gone
anywhere new without either taking someone along or having someone to be with, at
my destination. I’m truly on my own…the
thought of that is scary, but I guess if I step back, I’m really curious as to
how this will all pan out…I want to see how I’ll handle it. It’s strange to have a meta-awareness to it
all, but it’s what I do...So far, the majority of my time over the past few days has
been spent in-transit. From LA to the
oh-so-glorious Tahiti airport and back to Palmy and now
on to Perth. Oddly, this is the first time I haven’t
cracked open a book or spent my time watching movies. I’ve slept and I’ve thought.I’ve been thinking about my life…where it’s been, where it
is, and where it’s going…I’ve been thinking about Mark and how his debut will
influence where things lead.I can’t say the separation is easy…but the more I think
about it, the more I see it is necessary.
We’re just not ready for each other yet.
Not in the sense that we’re not right together…it’s just not the right time…So far, I’ve lived only for myself. I have been pushing my life along at
break-neck speed with few goals in mind other than to accomplish X,Y, or
Z. I have tunnel vision…so focused on
the end point that I’ve never enjoyed the journey along the way. I’ve never enjoyed the “now”. I don’t know how to live any other way. I don’t know how to stop pushing. I don’t know how to slow down. I don’t know how to live for another
person…to consider someone else before making a decision…to let something other
than my will to achieve, influence where I go.
I don’t know how to “live”.…this leads me into another thought. What does that mean, really? How does someone live life to the
fullest? What’s the difference between
doing all you can to experience the world and trying to distract yourself by
flooding your senses? Is it intent? Is it what you get out of it? Can you have one without the other? Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe they’re one in the same…how can you
really live and know it unless you open yourself to an experience? I think the times I feel the most alive are
when I’m overwhelmed – be it joy or grief.
I dunno…What am I distracting myself from? That was an easier question about a year
ago. I was distracting myself from pain
– pain of the past and, at that point, present.
Now, I’m not so sure…now, I think my path is to slow down and take my
blinders off. But I don’t know how. I need practice. I need time.Not only do I need to stop running, I also need to learn how
to be my own person. I need to learn how
to keep my own identity and not become what someone else wants me to be. I need to know that being separate is ok…that
disagreements don’t mean that I love, or am loved, any less. I need to learn how to tolerate disappointing
others if I am standing up for who I am or what I believe in; I don’t want to sacrifice
myself anymore. I need to learn how to
balance the vision for “my life” with the vision of “our life”. I’m not sure how fine that line is…maybe with
the right person, you don’t need that distinction. If the other person wants you to keep your individuality
as much as you’re willing to let it slide, perhaps that’s where the fulcrum
lies.I think I just need time to grow up before I can make a
suitable partner. I need time to be ok
with who I am, regardless of the situation I’m in. I need time to understand that “my life” is
no longer my own if I want to share it with someone else. I need time to slow down and stop running
away. I need time to know that I have
the courage to tackle what life throws at me, while taking everything into
stride and still deriving pleasure from it.
I need time to learn how to trust.
I need time to learn how to let go…how to let someone take care of me…how
to be loved.I can’t say the separation is easy…but I know it’s
necessary. I know Mark has a bit of
growing up to do as well; he just has different lessons to learn. I think that’s why we have to be apart. I think if we were together, it’d be too easy
to use each other as a crutch…it’d be too easy for the other to compensate for
something that should really come from within.
We’d be unwittingly stunting one another’s growth…which does no one any
good…and could even lead to resentment down the line. =/I miss him. I know we
have a lot to look forward to. I know
that we’ll be fine. It’s not even a
matter of “if” we get through this, it’s more of a “when” we get through this. I think a lot of the fear stems from the
uncertainty of the future, but I have faith.
Life has been amazing recently, and for the first time I’ve not no goal
or end point to focus on; I’m just enjoying the ride along the way. - The
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