February 8, 2008

• Friday 8-Feb-2008,
  8:55pm, Perth

  Sigh.

  Day started out at my normal ‘net spot and I talked to Mark
  for about 20 mins…though it felt shorter.

  I headed for the Pinnacles at about 7 and arrived about 3
  hours later, stopping only for gas and a meat pie (so good, yet so bad).  My impression of the Pinnacles?  It is truly a man’s world…the pics explain it
  all (will post sometime tomorrow).

  Afterwards, I headed to Hangover
  Bay for my first dip in the Indian
  Ocean.  I got to snorkel a
  bit and play with the waterproof camera housing.  Fun.  =)

  I left for my 3 hour journey back to Perth
  after about an hour of swimming. 
  Unfortunately, I took the loser’s way back; it was shorter mileage wise,
  but the number of cars and traffic lights lengthened my trip by another hour.

  I got back feeling very grumpy.  Very very grumpy.  Grumpy to the point where I just wanted to
  curl up into a ball and disappear. 
  Grumpy to the point where I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone; not
  even Mark.

  I pondered on my grumpiness for a little while trying to
  find the root cause…one would think it’d be obvious; a reasonable culprit would
  be traffic, but it wasn’t.  As with most
  things in life, it was multi-factorial and actually started during my first
  phone call of the day.  It just felt out
  of sorts…in addition, messages later that day reinforced the feeling of
  intrusion...and then finally, the deadly silence after I sent a message.  I felt like I was overstepping my
  bounds.  I felt like I wanted too
  much.  I felt like I needed too
  much.  I felt rejected.

  Once I figured that one out, grumpiness gave way to an
  urgent sense of uneasiness; one of danger and panic.  At that point I began twisting and turning my
  mind around the concept of need vs. want, reasonable vs. unreasonable expectations,
  fear suppression vs. it subsiding naturally, etc. etc. etc.  I spun myself around in circles because I
  wanted to call desperately, but felt like I shouldn’t do it…like I shouldn’t
  want to for the reasons stated above.

  In the end, I pushed through my own mental quagmire and
  called – only to be greeted by voicemail. 
  Super ouch.  It takes a lot for me
  to reach out when I’m in a state like that and I’m sure whatever message
  happened to spill from my lips was obviously “off” from what I normally sound
  like.   It took about 5 minutes before
  paper jam in my mind cleared and the rollers got going again…

  I took off for the city. 
  My plan of action was to get onto the internet – fate struck again and
  the servers were down.  I was pretty
  irked, but it actually turned out to be a good thing because if I had found out
  then that I hadn’t gotten anything, I probably would have lost it.  After about 20 minutes of futile futzing
  about, I gave up and just started walking. 
  I headed down Hay St…and
  right into a massive Kathmandu basement sale; nothing
  like retail therapy to clear the mind.  I
  bought two bottoms and a pair of flippers…all told, saved 70% off of retail
  price for good quality outdoorsy wear.

  With my head a little clearer and my pocketbook a little
  emptier, I set out to fill my tummy.  My
  first real meal in Perth was bi bim
  bap at a Korean grill.  The UCB room 311
  Friday night tradition lives on!  All I
  needed to complete the picture was an ice cream sandwich but I was just too
  stuffed – still am.  I got back to the
  car and got onto the internet.  What I
  really wanted was reassurance from either Beth or Mark, but I didn’t get it…I
  just wanted contact…

  …so what now?

  I guess now, I wait…I can’t do much else except stay
  calm...writing helps.  I know it’s no
  state of emergency, but I’m not equipped to handle this yet…baby steps.  I hold my breath and wait; I know they’re
  both there and not going anywhere, but I still need reassurance.  Believe it or not, that’s a big improvement!

  Tired now…want to sleep…going south tomorrow to catch some
  snorkeling.  Should be good.  =)

  • 4:22 pm
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