February 21, 2008
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Rita's House
It has been a fairly quiet morning...had a pretty intense convo w/ Mark...not bad, just intense...thought provoking.
I'm feeling mixed.
It was just a difference in opinion, but I wanted to hear him out...after all that, I still disagree. I don't think "love can conquer all". I think that it takes more than that. I think the little niggling things can add up and override the love. Still, I think love can go a long way...I think love helps to build up tolerance and understanding. But I wonder if there's a point where you just put up with shit in the name of love and end up trouncing on your own beliefs instead. Isn't that why people remain in abusive relationships? It's because, "he loves me"...he may beat you to a bloody pulp, but "he doesn't mean it"...yeah, whatever. I don't know where that line lies...how do you balance being understanding versus being stepped on...how do I balance being a bitch and being a rug?
We also talked about the power of the mind. Yes, the mind is powerful. Yes, positive thinking goes a long way...but I also think that planning goes a hell of a long way too. Anticipating what's to come, be it good or bad helps me to prepare myself...but he's right in that bracing for the bad just sets you up to see what it is you want to see...you see what you expect to see. What I vehemently don't agree with is that what you fear is what you inevitably attract to yourself. I feel like it implies a thread of desire...a desire to see your worst fears come to life. I hope for the best but I plan for the worst...I don't want my fears to come to fruition...that's WHY I think of the worst...that's WHY I plan. If you don't anticipate what could go wrong...how can you ever prevent things from going wrong. That's why you lock your doors at night, right? Well wishing can only get you so far, if you don't anticipate someone walking in, why would you lock your doors? I never, never, never desired my mom going off...but she did...it was a fear...and if you don't anticipate...if you don't find ways to prevent it, then it would happen more often...and where does that leave you? In the shitter for sure. Life is full of unexpected things, good and bad...but it's hard to have faith that the good outweighs the bad when all you've done is try to hedge off the terrible.
I know it's a difference in opinion. I know its those differences that help to broaden your horizon and balance you out...but it's also the hardest to reconcile. Isn't that why most people break up? Irreconcilable differences? Not to say this is one...it's a difference in philosophy which is based on life experiences. But again, if you've come to know differences as being bad...as being betrayal...it's incredibly difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that there is another path to travel. If you've come to know that being a separate entity and having your own thoughts and desires results in getting shoved out the door or getting the silent treatment, "coming into your own" becomes the riskiest thing you've ever done. You risk getting cast out...it feels like a matter of life and death. It goes against what you know...what's been entrenched in your personality and the way you operate. Sure, stuff can and will change...but you need time and baby steps...and sometimes, it's one step back, and two steps forward.
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