Things are moving along...went into work today and did more socializing than work.  If it wasn't for the traffic and bother of going in, I'd probably prefer to be in the office.

I sat with Javier and Arnold today and it was fun just hanging out and catching up.  Javier was really sweet and offered up his Silver Pass any time I wanted.  =)

After work, B and I went shopping...got a few things for me...got a couple of things for Mark...

Overall, a good day.

Last night was a little rough, but I think we did good.  I'm happy with how things turned out anyway.

It rained today...and with it falls inspiration...

Sure as mountains melt
'Neath the rain's gentle caress
Love laps at my heart

My goodness, who knew I was such a soppy romantic.  I always knew I had it in me, but I guess I always held back so I could never assess the depth.

...still working.  Making lots of headway, but getting really restless...want to finish this report tonight so I can work on the disco stuff.  =/

Uneventful...more of the same.

I'm trying to get my work done so I don't have to worry about it next week when, no doubt, I'll have other things going on.  So far, so good.  I guess situations like this are what I'm best at - push through whatever turmoil to get shit done.  Beth says it brings out my inner toughness.  One would think that happiness would boost my productivity, but I find the opposite is true.  I think I use work as a form of escape so when I'm happy, I just want to revel in it. The bad thing about that is, the more I focus on work, the deeper I dig myself in, and the more walled-off I become.  The more that happens, the worse I feel, and the urgency to run away sets in.  I know it's a defense mechanism.  I know it's outdated.  But it's a constant struggle.  I think before, I would have given in...why struggle, right?  What's there to fight for?  I've fought my whole life - I'm tired, I'm just so tired.  I could feel how close I got to giving in.  But now...though the exhaustion has been well worn, I know have to keep trying.  It's worth it.  It will be worth it. 

I think the most difficult part of staying open is that, although I have the capacity to feel unbounded happiness, I also have the capacity to feel unbounded sadness.  Unfortunately, I still have a lifetime's supply of the latter to wade through...

Dad flies in later tonight...will be interesting...

Her screams woke up me up.

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, the most unsettling, and utterly terrifying scream pierced through the silent night.  It sounded like a woman screaming for her life.  Kim and I both jolted up a little confused and unsure if what we heard was real or not.  We can't both be crazy right?  Neither of us wanted to go outside, but we peered through the window and saw nothing.  We ended up calling 911 to report it - just in case.  The police went to check it out and we were called back saying they hadn't found anything, but that's a good thing I'm glad we called - I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Needless to say, we had trouble settling back to sleep and were both grateful for each other's company.  I don't think I'll ever forget that sound or the way it made my stomach turn.  It was scary - and as primitive as it sounds, I wished that Mark were here to make me feel safer.

I'm glad that the police didn't find anything amiss, but this experience really struck a chord.  I know I take needless risks with my own safety.  I can't count the number of times I've walked down dark alleys out of sheer laziness; not wanting to spend an extra 2 minutes to go around the block.  I spent so many dark, early mornings running around the neighborhood doing the same loop time and time again.  No one ever thinks it will happen to them.  At least I know I do.

After last night, I am resolved to put my personal safety first.  If anything were to happen, it's not just me who suffers, everyone who cares for me suffers too.  Although you never know what's going to happen, there's no good reason to tempt the fates by providing the right conditions.  Like suicide, it feels selfish to forget the pain you'd inflict on everyone around you...and after Abby's friend died, I know that the ripples go further than your immediate circle of friends...

...and on a more cheery note, for the first time in any of my relationships, I plucked up the courage to feel small...and then grew a set and told him.  I'm so glad I did.  I'm so glad we talked it through...it feels incredible to be understood and received so compassionately.  It's just so right.  I feel like the luckiest person on earth.  Sigh.  =)

Damn, this has turned out longer than I expected...on a final note, a bit of humor that only the Chinese people can pull off - we cracked open a fortune cookie at lunch whose message was "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow".   Hahaha

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother asking others for advice when in my heart of hearts, I know that I'm going to do what I originally set out to do anyway.  I think it's because I lack the courage to view my decision, whatever it may be, as "sound" and need validation.  But at the end of the day, I'm too proud and stubborn and the ol' "fuck you, I know what I'm doing" mentality sets in if the other's opinion counters my own. 

One of a few things has to happen.  Either I start being confident that I can make very good decisions that suit me best, start taking advice, or my favorite so far - stop asking.  Eventually I'll build up to option #1, but the imprint of a lifetime of being stepped on, doesn't fade readily.

I've also realized how much I've come to rely on writing to sort out what's going on in my head...so as lame as I feel updating my blog umpteen times a day, I think I'll have to suck it up because of the clarity I gain.

...just finished System Checkout so am free for the rest of the weekend...missing Mark tons...feeling quite tired and unmotivated due to lack of sleep and the general blahs of heartache...heading out to see The Color Purple soonish...and then taking Kim to Pink's for a, late night, artery clogging snack.

I'm torn.

I know I have the tendency to fixate on "something" and strive to get it by any means necessary...I also have a tendency to try to justify it, even though I know it's probably not the best decision, I still manage to pull a pretty convincing argument.

The argument for my latest idea is "why have money if you can't spend it?" and/or "you can't put a pricetag on experience" and/or "time is the most precious currency of all".  Compelling, yes...enough?  I don't know.

I'm torn between a romantic notion and harsh reality.  The reality is, I don't have that much money...and I have very limited time.  If I do manage to pull things off, I'd put myself in a crunch with both aspects...blah blah blah.  I dunno, I have spent 99% of my life being rational and practical...always holding back.  To do something so "out there" goes against what I've decided to be.  Perhaps, it's time to change?  Or perhaps, I'm just trying to rationalize again.  Sigh.

In other news, Dad is flying in on Monday!  Crazy shit...he sent us a note yesterday - it's so sudden and considering the last status report of the Mom/Dad saga, I doubt it's a good thing. 

Speaking of flying the coop, Jesse decided to go on a walkabout yesterday.  Kim accidentally let him out and I spent a good chunk of the evening traipsing around the dark neighborhood looking for a fluffy orange monster.  Catching him is a particularly hairy (hehe) feat because he doesn't come when called and if you try to grab him by the collar, he will bite you.  I managed to catch up to him as he was mid-lift at a fire hydrant.  I got his attention by saying the magic phrase, "Jesse, do you wanna go for a walk?"  He saw me approach with his favorite red leash and stood still long enough for me to lasso him...and although he had already been running around the neighborhood for 25 minutes, he was still very excited to go on a "walk".  I never said he was a smart dog...he's the type of creature that gets by on looks alone.  =)

Pretty chill day ahead...gonna ponder what to do about my grand master plan and then get food - hungry.

The more I think about it, the giddier I get.  =)  I'm just insanely happy...

Still haven't worked...I played rock band and ddr instead.

We were trying to remember how we first got together...and we both had trouble, but it came back to me. 

It was a night or two after NYE and we had band practice.  Mike left and I said I wasn't tired so was gonna hang out...Mark suggested we watch a movie, but I objected to just about everything he threw at me...then we got on the topic of Kenny vs. Spenny.  He said it airs at 12:30 and suggested that I stay...I did and the rest, they say, is history.

I was inspired and came up with a limerick:

Depressing, was New Year's night
When two strangers decided "Time's right" -
'tween Dick Clark's slurred speech
and King Kong's defeat,
To discover the love of their life!

Mark left this morning and though it was a tearful good-bye, it's also a good time to reflect on the past 17 days.  Although this really sucks, I am glad for the pain of loss - it means that my life has changed.  It means that I had something that was great...and no matter what, I'm grateful to have experienced it at all.  Tis' life I guess.

Now comes the hard part of getting back in touch with reality.  I've been on an emotional 'Cloud 9' to the detriment of every other aspect of my life.  I'm dreadfully behind on work and have all but dismissed my time in the clinic.  I haven't really talked to or seen my sister in the past few weeks and I miss my pups.  I don't want to face the real world...I wish I could just remain in this paradise bubble...but that would be too easy.  I think the trick is to weave that piece of paradise into the core my tangled life...so no matter how twisted things get, I can always retreat.  It will be interesting to see how things will play out over the next few months.

I need to work, but I'm not quite ready...nap first...work later.

I'm so gonna get fired.

...still moving fast, but it's thrilling...but also safe...like I'm home...hard to explain other than it's unreal.  Incredible and unreal.

One baby step at a time...

Beth is gonna have a field day with me... =P