Saturday 16-Feb-2008 The Bothy

…I’m not sure what happened yesterday…I think I didn’t get a
chance to write because I was too busy talking to Sabrina.  It’s strange listening to another person’s
life story and being able to relate so well. 
I guess the human experience is more common than I ever thought.  I guess the perception that we’re all alone
out here in our own experience is just that…perception.  I think the truth is, although empathy can
only take you so far, our brains are wired a certain way and those tracks are
common among everyone. 

It’s fun talking to them…although a bit tiring as well.  I think I have to have a lot of alone time…I
just get exhausted if I have to talk to others too much.

I talked to Mark for a really long while yesterday – hour
and a half maybe?  I was feeling really
poos all day…not entirely sure why.  I
squeezed out a few tears while on the phone, and despite the contact and good
conversation, nothing could really shake me from my doldrums. 

I’m better today.  A
little better.

Work today was pretty good…we excavated 5 nests.  The first one had 93 eggs that had to be
opened and examined…imagine having to tear open 93 rotten eggs looking for
embryos amidst the putrid goop.  Some
eggs were so full of air that they would actually pop and lovingly project
their contents right into your face. 
YUM.  The other nests weren’t as
bad, but there was a snafu with the counting of eggs from one of the nests.  I did the excavation; Rita did the
counting…the count ended up being higher than the actual number of eggs laid…oops.

Some nests had none or next to none in terms of shells –
predation perhaps?  Well, must be I
guess…interesting stuff.

In other news, Cyclone Nicholas has been upgraded from a
Category 1-2 to a Category 4 and is moving west and south.  We’re officially on the Cyclone “watch”
list.  We have to check the news at 6,
but if the projections ring true, the storm will hit our area by Monday at 10pm. 
We’re getting up and over to the site pre-dawn tomorrow to get as much
done as possible – just in case.  It’s
kinda scary…kinda not…I’m not too sure. 
I think I am a little wary – the wind is pretty fierce right now…but I’m
not panicked or anything.  I guess it
just feels like watchful waiting…the typical holding of the breath.

No real plans for the rest of the day…write a bit more…nap
perhaps?  I want to ring Mark and my
sister to let them know what’s up…knit some more…nothing really.  Life’s better that way I guess.  =)

Thursday 14-Feb-2008
The bothy, 5:27pm

It’s Valentine’s Day…I guess I never really thought about
what it meant to me (other than retarded). 
But now…well, it’s still retarded, but it does make me pause and think
about what love means.

I used to think it meant sacrifice and suffering…like
everything that was done “in the name of love” or because of it or whatever
always involved some sort of pain.  I
think the word “connection” replaced love for a while…but I guess I’m learning
it doesn’t matter what you call it as long as it’s mutually felt.  That’s all that really matters.

I haven’t talked to Mark today yet.  I will…later though.  It’s far too hot to go out for a jaunt.  I spent too much time in the sun today as is.

Today was our first day of actual work.  We excavated a nest that was far up from the
beach along the dune/edge.  The poor nest
had over 180 eggs counted at lay…there was a 98% hatch rate, but of those, only
14 made it out alive.  Somehow or another
(wind pushing sand over the nest?) the hatchlings couldn’t all get out and 125
were found dead.  I helped to escort 14
to the ocean, but they were all very weak and dehydrated.  Their yolk only lasts a week and it’s already
been a week since the first emergence was recorded.  I hope they make it…but…

There were a few whole eggs left and of those, one was a
full term embryo that had no flippers! 
We brought it back for necropsy, but aside from that anomaly, there
wasn’t much else wrong with it.  Fun
stuff.

So far, I am having fun…despite the horrible sunburn and
this gaping wound on my foot.  We spent 6
hours digging out that nest this morning. 
It was insanely hot once we finished and I’m sure I had a bit of sun
stroke.  Yikes.

Another fun tidbit, we’re on a cyclone watch!!  Cyclone (perhaps the same as a hurricane?)
Nicholas is supposed to hitting Northwest Australia and
though it’s further north than we are, we’re still on alert.  Crazy shiet. 
I dunno if I should tell Mark – he’s just going to be worried when in
all likelihood we’ll be totally fine.  I
feel bad for making him worry, but I think I should just keep him in the loop.

Aside from that, I’m alright…tired and sunburned, but
alright. 

I miss home a bit, but it’s not too bad…not sure what
tomorrow will bring, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting.  =)  I
am not sure if I can hack fieldwork, but I think if I was really passionate
about something, I’d just go for it, no holds barred.  Shocker, I know.

Wednesday 13-Feb-2008

5:59pm

Never let an Aussie make pasta for an Italian…and never let
the Italian make rice for the Asian. 
Yikes!!  Dinner will be
interesting tonight.

Today has been pretty good. 
I got a taste of what it’s like to be “out in the field”.  We walked the beach looking at tracks and
stuff around the nest sites.  I saw a lot
and was even lucky enough to see two baby loggerheads struggle their way down
to the ocean!  It was odd for them to be
out at 10am because they normally
emerge at night, but the nest site was behind a sand dune which, when your
point of reference is the light reflecting off the ocean, makes navigating
problematic.  After the patrol, we went
snorkeling at Turquoise Bay
and then back to the bothy for a quick shower before going to the visitor’s
center.  I got an ice cream =) and made a
couple of phone calls.

I spent the afternoon playing ‘pass the pigs’ (I won at
497pts to less than 100 for each of the others) and taking a nap.

I felt a bit bluesy all day…not sure why.  I opened one of Beth’s letters and felt even
worse.  I didn’t actually take my meds on
time today and I didn’t sleep terribly well last night either (we were trying
to bake a chicken but the damn oven kept going out so it was a bit of a
struggle).  I think opening the letter
made it worse because it’s like she was being nice to me which doesn’t let me
seal up when I feel vulnerable.  It
forces me to stay in that mode and to fully experience whatever burbles up.  It’s usually rather unpleasant and ends with
me in tears.  Not fun.

I think I just feel a little worn…not sure.  I want to call Mark tonight, but we’ll see…if
I’m feeling like this, I probably should.

Tuesday 12-Feb-2008 The Bothy, Cape Range NP

9:53pm

There’s an incredible lightning storm inland.  It lights the horizon up; it’s like nothing
I’ve ever seen before.  Amazing.  I wish I could have captured it somehow…I
wish I could be sharing it with Mark.

It’s been a really good day – haven’t really done any
work.  Just released the Hawksbills, went
snorkeling and then went into town for some shopping.  I think tomorrow will be pretty cruisey
too…she said we’d probably only be there for 2 hours or so.  Not to bad…what scares me is what we’re going
to have to do once the real work begins. 
I know I’m here to work…but I totally feel like I’m on vacation right
now – like all I am supposed to be doing is just relaxing and playing.  I guess that’s what I’ve done for the past
few months so perhaps it is time to stop.

I still am not sure how I am…I talked to Mark again this
evening and it felt really good…there was one moment he said, “Who knows maybe
I’ll go there and like it so much that you won’t be able to get rid of
me.”  My heart leapt at that thought…as
far fetched as it seems (right now), I think it would be absolutely splendid –
it is selfish of me to want it, but I do. 
I figure I’ve waited my whole life to be this happy…I don’t want to wait
anymore.  Patience has never been my
strong suit. 

I guess I just miss him. 
I want to cheat and read the letters ahead of time, but I won’t.  I know I’ll regret it…and feel guilty about
it.

Sometimes I still get afraid.  I’m afraid that our relationship was so short,
although intense, that the whole basis of our relationship is based on a
foundation of toothpicks.  I am afraid,
but then again, I’ve never felt so sure about anyone…I know that no matter what
the problem is, we can talk it through…actually I feel like we talk things
through so that there are no problems.  I
dunno.  I want to stop fearing, but I
know it just takes time…I want to stop ruminating over the same issues, but
they keep coming up…not much I can do about it…just keep mulling things over
til I’m done mulling I guess.

I’m pretty darn tired. 
Sleepy.  We have a chook baking
right now and so I’ll be going to bed once I’ve had a snack.  =)

5pm

I can’t really tell where I’m at right now…internally that
is.  I’m content that I’m doing something
that I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m
hopeful that this will help to point me in the right direction…whatever that
direction may be.

I talked to Mark earlier today.  It was nice to hear his voice.  I feel bad that he’s had a rough couple of
days…I know he’ll be ok…but still, I worry.

Monday 11-Feb-2008, Cape Range NP, 10:01pm.

We made it to the station in one fell swoop…nice.  It was a 15 hour drive, but oddly, it wasn’t
that bad.  I ended up talking to Sabrina
the entire way…we covered family, friends, futures, partners, vet stuff, student
stuff…life, learning, loving, trying, crying…history, philosophy, medicine,
science, politics, sociology, psychology…everything really.  I don’t think I’ve ever been in a
conversation for that long before.  It
was really cool, but also exhausting.

I like her a lot. 
She’s this super gorgeous, wicked smart, Italian/German lady that’s had
some amazing life experiences and is just all around cool.  Her husband is also this super gorgeous,
wicked smart, Italian guy who’s also doing his PhD.  They’re both vets…what a couple – blows my
mind really.

The other volunteer is also a vet.  A very country-type vet, but nice enough and
seems like she’s got a fair sense of humor. 

Tomorrow, we’re releasing two hawksbills and then heading
into Exmouth where I can hopefully buy a phone card and will hopefully be able
to call Mark and my family.  I miss him.

The cabin is actually quite nice…and since we’re out in the
middle of nowhere, it’s very quiet, and (hopefully) safe.  The stars are amazing – I’ve never seen them
so bright or clear.  We are really in the
boonies though; no real city within 15 hours of driving.  The Milky Way is spectacular and I’ve never
been able to see all of the teeny stars that are dotted within and around the
Orion constellation.  Very cool.

Sleep now.  Had a long
day.  Knackered.

Saturday 9-Feb-2008,
10:20pm, Perth

It’s my last night alone…and if I was fractionally (and by
that I mean a whole hell of a lot) less misanthropic, I’d be out on the town
partying it up with the rest of the city.

Nope, instead, I am holed up in my room, eating my microwave
dinner and, what else, but writing and thinking about stuff.  I had every intention of going out for a nice
sit-down meal and just relaxing, but the first place I wanted to go to had
zilch for parking and after circling for 15 minutes, I headed toward the second
place.  I couldn’t find that one…the
street was dark and sketchy so I high tailed it back to the city and grabbed a
kebab.  It wasn’t nearly as good as the
one I get in Palmy and was a million times more messy.  So much so that I got kebab juice all over
myself – albeit, I was trying to drive and eat at the same time, but
still.  I wound up back at the hostel
reeking of kebab.  Sexy.

I was still ravenous so I walked over to the convenience
store get a Lemon Lime and Bitters, a thing of Ravioli, and a Kit Kat bar.  If that’s not quality, I don’t know what
is.  =) 
Now I’m stuffed full of junk food, hanging out in my skivvies, and
celebrating my last night of freedom before I have to be civil to a bunch of
strangers starting tomorrow.  I’m really
digging this; every celebration should involve junk food and the utmost comfort
of only t-shirts and underwear. 

Overall, I’d say today was awesome. 

I talked to Mark this morning and smoothed over the most
recent of my “episodes”, and then drove out to the Busselton Jetty for a stroll
and a swim.  It was really pretty and I’m
glad I didn’t stop in Mandurah like I had wanted (out of sheer laziness).  The snorkeling was mint and though I didn’t
stay in too long because of the choppiness of the water and the abundance
jellyfish, it was enough to warrant the 6.5 hour RT drive.

On my drive home, I got really sleepy, and actually pulled
over for a nap.  I couldn’t sleep, but
instead had this awesome moment in the car while enjoying the shade, the
breeze, and the incredibly clear sky.  It
was a moment where I really appreciated what I have now and what the future
will bring.  It was a moment of intense
love and longing; of hope and happiness. 
It was surreal.  Not long after, I
had a brain flash and wanted to get back to the city as quickly as possible so
I could propose to Mark what I was thinking. 
NB it’s not THAT proposal.

My mind wouldn’t stop racing the entire drive back.  I kept thinking of what I was about to do and
whether or not it was wise…whether or not I was ready…if we were ready.  I think its actually a really big step.  It catapults our INTENT to create an “our”
life into the reality of practice.  It
would turn our words of commitment, trust, and devotion into action…and the repercussions
could be devastating if things didn’t work out. 
It’s scary stuff.  I think my mind
ran in circles, but my heart was sure and I just couldn’t wait to get back to Perth
and make my phone call.  =)

We talked for almost three hours…but it felt like no time
had passed at all.  =)  It felt awesome.

Friday 8-Feb-2008,
8:55pm, Perth

Sigh.

Day started out at my normal ‘net spot and I talked to Mark
for about 20 mins…though it felt shorter.

I headed for the Pinnacles at about 7 and arrived about 3
hours later, stopping only for gas and a meat pie (so good, yet so bad).  My impression of the Pinnacles?  It is truly a man’s world…the pics explain it
all (will post sometime tomorrow).

Afterwards, I headed to Hangover
Bay for my first dip in the Indian
Ocean.  I got to snorkel a
bit and play with the waterproof camera housing.  Fun.  =)

I left for my 3 hour journey back to Perth
after about an hour of swimming. 
Unfortunately, I took the loser’s way back; it was shorter mileage wise,
but the number of cars and traffic lights lengthened my trip by another hour.

I got back feeling very grumpy.  Very very grumpy.  Grumpy to the point where I just wanted to
curl up into a ball and disappear. 
Grumpy to the point where I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone; not
even Mark.

I pondered on my grumpiness for a little while trying to
find the root cause…one would think it’d be obvious; a reasonable culprit would
be traffic, but it wasn’t.  As with most
things in life, it was multi-factorial and actually started during my first
phone call of the day.  It just felt out
of sorts…in addition, messages later that day reinforced the feeling of
intrusion...and then finally, the deadly silence after I sent a message.  I felt like I was overstepping my
bounds.  I felt like I wanted too
much.  I felt like I needed too
much.  I felt rejected.

Once I figured that one out, grumpiness gave way to an
urgent sense of uneasiness; one of danger and panic.  At that point I began twisting and turning my
mind around the concept of need vs. want, reasonable vs. unreasonable expectations,
fear suppression vs. it subsiding naturally, etc. etc. etc.  I spun myself around in circles because I
wanted to call desperately, but felt like I shouldn’t do it…like I shouldn’t
want to for the reasons stated above.

In the end, I pushed through my own mental quagmire and
called – only to be greeted by voicemail. 
Super ouch.  It takes a lot for me
to reach out when I’m in a state like that and I’m sure whatever message
happened to spill from my lips was obviously “off” from what I normally sound
like.   It took about 5 minutes before
paper jam in my mind cleared and the rollers got going again…

I took off for the city. 
My plan of action was to get onto the internet – fate struck again and
the servers were down.  I was pretty
irked, but it actually turned out to be a good thing because if I had found out
then that I hadn’t gotten anything, I probably would have lost it.  After about 20 minutes of futile futzing
about, I gave up and just started walking. 
I headed down Hay St…and
right into a massive Kathmandu basement sale; nothing
like retail therapy to clear the mind.  I
bought two bottoms and a pair of flippers…all told, saved 70% off of retail
price for good quality outdoorsy wear.

With my head a little clearer and my pocketbook a little
emptier, I set out to fill my tummy.  My
first real meal in Perth was bi bim
bap at a Korean grill.  The UCB room 311
Friday night tradition lives on!  All I
needed to complete the picture was an ice cream sandwich but I was just too
stuffed – still am.  I got back to the
car and got onto the internet.  What I
really wanted was reassurance from either Beth or Mark, but I didn’t get it…I
just wanted contact…

…so what now?

I guess now, I wait…I can’t do much else except stay
calm...writing helps.  I know it’s no
state of emergency, but I’m not equipped to handle this yet…baby steps.  I hold my breath and wait; I know they’re
both there and not going anywhere, but I still need reassurance.  Believe it or not, that’s a big improvement!

Tired now…want to sleep…going south tomorrow to catch some
snorkeling.  Should be good.  =)

No word from Beth or Mark...
Sigh.

...at my usual post.  Heading to the Pinnacles today.  For real this time.  =)

Thursday 7-Feb-2008,
5:58pm, Perth

I should have known better than to think that going to a
place called Rottnest Island
would be an enjoyable experience.  It’s
like saying, gee, I’m sure a trip to Fetid-Arsehole
Cave; sounds like fun time.

The day started out fine – getting my Internet on in the wee
hours of the morning…I left my post to drive to Freemantle, but got lost.  Yes, I’ve been there before, no, I have no
idea how I got so far off the track.  I
ended up on a freeway traveling north at a cool 100km/hr…but judging by the
wall-to-wall traffic headed southbound, I was certain that I would have to flip
a bitch and join the other early morning commuters headed into the city.

It’s funny how people always want to travel to new places
and see what it’s like to live as the locals do.  So far, I’ve joined rush hour traffic to, and
away from the city, enjoyed the experience of paying out the nose for
groceries, melted in the unrelenting heat, and then got washed away in the
freak storm that barreled through the city. 
I’ve gone shopping along the pedestrian malls looking for bargains and
balked at the $35 dollar price tag for shorts that I could get at Target at
home for $7.99.  I’d say I’m living as
the locals do…minus the permanent lodging and bills…but also minus some of the
care-free fun that comes along with being on vacation.  Maybe my idea of vacation has changed over
the years…maybe just living an every day existence without the pressures of
“normal life” is my idea of a vacation. 
To be honest, mustering the energy to drive hither and tither,
experiencing all that WA has to offer, is almost impossible.  Who knows, maybe I’m just getting old.

Anyway, back to my Island
adventure…getting stuck in rush hour traffic resulted in me missing my original
boat out to the island.  At this point,
any normal person would have been; aw screw it, and gotten a refund on the
ticket…but not I!  I push forward despite
the blaringly obvious signs that point otherwise.  I boarded my boat and as I sat down, a wave
of exhaustion hit me.  I seriously just
wanted to sleep…but you know me…onward ho! 
Stepping onto the island, I didn’t see much through the thick fog and
rain.  I originally had this grand ol’
scheme that I’d go snorkeling in a protected bay and that it wouldn’t matter
that it was raining.  The brochure says
that there’s reef all around the island, most with beach access, so I was just
going to putter down to the closest beach and start swimming.  What the brochure doesn’t tell you is that,
although reef may surround the island, you’d need to take a BOAT from the beach
to get out far enough to reach it…and the reef that is within swimming distance
from the beach is about 3km away.  That
bay is easily reached on bicycle…except when gusts of wind reach 20-40km an hour
and the rain (and that lovely island debris) comes flying toward you negating
any progress you make and obliterating any willpower to struggle on.  Sigh, so much for my grand plan.

So far, this trip has been about being flexible…so being my
newly pliable self, I choose the only activity available that would keep me out
of the rain – a granny bus tour of the island. 
A two hour ride on an air conditioned bus, enjoying the sights the
island has to offer.  I’d have to putter
around for an hour and a half before the tour started, but I figured that was
doable.  I booked my ticket and started
exploring the main part of town.  It
turns out the island was formerly a prison for Aboriginals…interesting
stuff.  While on my walkabout I even got
to see a Quokka; a marsupial not found anywhere else in the world…I read a
description somewhere that called it a bonsai kangaroo.  =)  It
was cute.  The downside of my little
adventure was that I was getting rained on to the point where my rain jacket
was overwhelmed and began getting saturated. 
Once I was wet, it was all over. 
I was cold and miserable.  I ended
up piking out on the tour and catching the next boat out.  If I had stayed for the tour, I would have
had to stay on that miserable island for an extra 2 hours before the next ferry
would come to rescue me…and we all know how much I love waiting.

I’m glad I didn’t stay…I sustained minor losses (the time,
some money, and a bit of misery), but I’m sure that staying would have just
meant more time spent being miserable. 
Instead, I drove back, dried off, and called home.  I talked to the fam for about 5 minutes and
then to Mark for about 2 hours.  It’s
cool that we can stay on the phone for that long…and what’s cooler is that I’ve
never gotten off the phone feeling worse off than I did before I called.  That was the norm before…now, I get giddy
after we hang up because I always feel happy…and safe…and that we’re on the
same page.  It feels awesome.  =)  I
feel very lucky. 

And finally, the best news of all…the plane tickets have
been booked.  We have a date!  Tuesday 29^th of April, 9:30am. 
I’ve never been so purely happy…not a speck of ambivalence.  I’m simply happy and excited.  Can’t wait.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I’m sure it’ll be one
for the books.  Now, it’s time to sleep

…it's early.  6am Thursday.  I'm sitting in my car along St.George's getting my daily internet fix.  I feel a little sketchy, but eh, I'm sure I've done worse.

The weather in Perth has finally turned; it's raining and the temp has dropped considerably.  I hope the rain stops but the cool trend continues.  Of course this the the day that I was planning to do all sorts of outside activities.  Luckily, they all involve swimming so at least it won't matter if I get wet.  I head over to Rottnest this morning...I think I'll end up leaving early and spending the day in the car driving and puttering about.  Maybe I'll head over to the Pinnacles.  Not sure yet...will just go where the wind takes me.

Feeling tired again today...maybe homesick?  Maybe just tired.  Probably both.

Wednesday 6-Feb-2008, 5:00pm, Perth

So my lactose intolerance has made the decision for me…

…no Pinnacles tonight. 
I could still do it, but the thought of 3 hours in the car with a rumbly
tumbly tummy doesn’t sound like fun! 
Oddly, I still have the inclination to push myself and just do it
anyway…but I’m learning to listen, and I there is no good reason for me to
suffer because I want to appease my drive to “accomplish”.  

I’m not sure what I’ll do instead…I have a trip to Rottnest
tomorrow morning so it’s probably a good thing I’m not going to do a suicide
drive tonight…if nothing else, I’m sure I can just extend the car for another
day – I mean, what’s the big deal?  It’s
just money.  What’s another 30 bucks for
a day versus the luxury of being able to rest when I need to?  30 bucks to prevent myself from doing
something stupid like starting my day at 5am,
swimming and biking all day, and then doing a 6 hour drive that same
afternoon.  It’s all about
perspective…I’m beginning to learn when it’s just not worth the risk.

I planned to start my day with a run in King’s Park; then I
was going to go to Freemantle to catch a ferry to Rottnest for the day.  Instead, the fix I made for the TPR didn’t
hold, for whatever reason, so I had to find a reliable internet connection to
do work.  I spent 4 hours in front of the
computer this morning.  It was good
because I got stuff done that I really needed to work on…but not so good
because it skewed my day.  It’s not a big
deal though – I guess I’m also learning how to be flexible.

One awesome outcome of today’s 4 hour stint on the internet
was that I got to chat with Mark…and he’s going to come to NZ at the end of
April!  Huzzah!  =)  It
means so much to me and helps to dissipate some of those nagging fears.  I’m just so glad…so glad…and super
excited.  Yes, super excited.  =) 
Super.  =)  Excited. 
=)

I think it helps that it comes on the heels of a pretty
intense conversation we had last night…I know we’re different in a lot of ways
and any normal person would be fine with it, but it makes me fearful.  I fear that differences are insurmountable
points of contention…I fear that differences lead to a struggle between who’s
right or who’s wrong…I fear that my narcissism will want to wage war…I fear
that differences in opinion will be a sign of disloyalty…I fear the unknown….I
fear uncertainty…I fear the future.

I fear a whole hell of a lot.

But I know differences don’t have to extend beyond
themselves…it’s different; end of story. 
There’s no right or wrong, no negative consequences if there’s
discord…it’s just a difference in opinion. 
There’s no loss of respect or love – not in this case.  I know it, but I still fear…I know it, but I
still don’t quite believe it.

I know a visit in April will help to reconfirm and drive
home just how good we have it…it’ll be the top-up that I need.  Fear is what makes me hang back…reassurance
is what will help drive me forward.

I’m hot, and tired. 
The underside of my tongue is terribly swollen and painful – I’ve always
had odd reactions to abrupt heat that tend to manifest somewhere in my
mouth…but this is my far the most uncomfortable.  Gross, but true.  Ouch. 
I think a cold shower is in order and perhaps a nap…I might go for a
stroll in King’s Park tonight once it cools down a bit, but we’ll see…I might
just end up passing out like I did last night. 
Not having an itinerary is awesome. 
=)

Some pics have been uploaded...the ones from this morning are from a run at 6am...it was nice out.

In Perth, HOT as hell...getting work done before I disappear into the wild blue yonder...

Monday 4-Feb-2008,
9:32pm, Perth

I went in search of the internet. 

On a scale of 1-10, (with 10 being “completely” safe).  I’d rank my little stroll at about a 4.  Not due to the lack of lights or dirth of
normal people…but because of the higher-than-expected number of not so normal
people...

That, coupled with my poor sense of direction, and being in
a brand new city, made for a less than ideal evening jaunt.

On the map, the free wi-fi zone was only 4-5 blocks away.  The sun just set and it was still light
enough out.  I figured I would walk to
the wi-fi zone, do my work thing and then stroll back while there would still
be lots of people milling about.

Things I didn’t anticipate:

1. The
   length of a block is longer than what I expected
2. Perth’s
   CBD shuts down early – it was only 9pm
   but all the shops, restaurants included, were closed up.
3. With
   no shops really open, there weren’t as many people milling about…not the
   normal ones anyway.

 

All in all, it was fine, but it was lower on the comfort
scale than what I can/will/should tolerate. 
I won’t venture out after dark any more.

 

Why on earth would I do such a thing?  Work. 
That dark storm cloud that constantly hovers over my head, but rains
money – a necessary evil.  As I was
leaving Palmy, I checked my email to find a Critical TPR with my name on it…oh
joy of joys.  I hate having things go
wrong with my programs.  I hate dropping
the ball…but I’d also hate getting maimed along the streets of a strange city
just so I don’t have to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing others.

 

So, that’s that.  No
more adventures after dark…and work is just gonna have to deal.  If I get fired, I get fired.  I am not willing to risk my own safety for
something that is arbitrarily deemed “critical” by some hoity toity end user
with a stick up their ass.  I will get to
it tomorrow.  They will live.  And better yet, I will live.

 

Wow, I just drew a boundary. 
Yay me!

 

I talked to Mark briefly today.  It was 3am PST
when I rang.  I feel bad that he worries
so much, but living life can sometimes mean risking it too.  I wouldn’t say this trip is on the extreme
end, but regardless, I don’t want to live in fear of “something” happening,
otherwise nothing would ever happen…and what fun is that?

 

I miss him. 
Lots.  One interesting thing is
that we touched briefly on how this separation is necessary for us…and we both
came to the same conclusion, separately. 
=)  That makes me glad to know
that we’re thinking along the same lines…that we really do see eye to eye.  Damn, I miss him.  We also talked about what song you’d want to
listen to if you were about to die.  I
think mine would be Death Cab’s “Follow you into the dark”.  Just something about that song that’s really
spoken to me lately.

 

It’s late and I’m tired. 
Gonna shower and sleep…not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I can’t
wait to find out.  =) 

 

Monday 4-Feb-2008,
1.5 hours away from Perth, mid-flight.

There are so many things swimming around in my head right
now that I just need to get them out. 
Funnily enough, the moment I want to get my thoughts out on life and
such, is the moment the airplane hits massive turbulence.  Coincidence? 
Perhaps, perhaps not.

This is my first “real trip” alone…I mean, I’ve never gone
anywhere new without either taking someone along or having someone to be with, at
my destination.  I’m truly on my own…the
thought of that is scary, but I guess if I step back, I’m really curious as to
how this will all pan out…I want to see how I’ll handle it.  It’s strange to have a meta-awareness to it
all, but it’s what I do...

So far, the majority of my time over the past few days has
been spent in-transit.  From LA to the
oh-so-glorious Tahiti airport and back to Palmy and now
on to Perth.  Oddly, this is the first time I haven’t
cracked open a book or spent my time watching movies.  I’ve slept and I’ve thought.

I’ve been thinking about my life…where it’s been, where it
is, and where it’s going…I’ve been thinking about Mark and how his debut will
influence where things lead.

I can’t say the separation is easy…but the more I think
about it, the more I see it is necessary. 
We’re just not ready for each other yet. 
Not in the sense that we’re not right together…it’s just not the right time…

So far, I’ve lived only for myself.  I have been pushing my life along at
break-neck speed with few goals in mind other than to accomplish X,Y, or
Z.  I have tunnel vision…so focused on
the end point that I’ve never enjoyed the journey along the way.  I’ve never enjoyed the “now”.  I don’t know how to live any other way.  I don’t know how to stop pushing.  I don’t know how to slow down.  I don’t know how to live for another
person…to consider someone else before making a decision…to let something other
than my will to achieve, influence where I go. 
I don’t know how to “live”.

…this leads me into another thought.  What does that mean, really?  How does someone live life to the
fullest?  What’s the difference between
doing all you can to experience the world and trying to distract yourself by
flooding your senses?  Is it intent?  Is it what you get out of it?  Can you have one without the other?  Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe they’re one in the same…how can you
really live and know it unless you open yourself to an experience?  I think the times I feel the most alive are
when I’m overwhelmed – be it joy or grief. 
I dunno…

What am I distracting myself from?  That was an easier question about a year
ago.  I was distracting myself from pain
– pain of the past and, at that point, present. 
Now, I’m not so sure…now, I think my path is to slow down and take my
blinders off.  But I don’t know how.  I need practice.  I need time.

Not only do I need to stop running, I also need to learn how
to be my own person.  I need to learn how
to keep my own identity and not become what someone else wants me to be.  I need to know that being separate is ok…that
disagreements don’t mean that I love, or am loved, any less.  I need to learn how to tolerate disappointing
others if I am standing up for who I am or what I believe in; I don’t want to sacrifice
myself anymore.  I need to learn how to
balance the vision for “my life” with the vision of “our life”.  I’m not sure how fine that line is…maybe with
the right person, you don’t need that distinction.  If the other person wants you to keep your individuality
as much as you’re willing to let it slide, perhaps that’s where the fulcrum
lies.

I think I just need time to grow up before I can make a
suitable partner.  I need time to be ok
with who I am, regardless of the situation I’m in.  I need time to understand that “my life” is
no longer my own if I want to share it with someone else.  I need time to slow down and stop running
away.  I need time to know that I have
the courage to tackle what life throws at me, while taking everything into
stride and still deriving pleasure from it. 
I need time to learn how to trust. 
I need time to learn how to let go…how to let someone take care of me…how
to be loved.

I can’t say the separation is easy…but I know it’s
necessary.  I know Mark has a bit of
growing up to do as well; he just has different lessons to learn.  I think that’s why we have to be apart.  I think if we were together, it’d be too easy
to use each other as a crutch…it’d be too easy for the other to compensate for
something that should really come from within. 
We’d be unwittingly stunting one another’s growth…which does no one any
good…and could even lead to resentment down the line.  =/

I miss him.  I know we
have a lot to look forward to.  I know
that we’ll be fine.  It’s not even a
matter of “if” we get through this, it’s more of a “when” we get through this.  I think a lot of the fear stems from the
uncertainty of the future, but I have faith. 
Life has been amazing recently, and for the first time I’ve not no goal
or end point to focus on; I’m just enjoying the ride along the way.

The best laid plans always fail...perhaps this is a lesson to just fly by the seat of my pants more often...

Not sure what I should do.  I think I'm just tired of the delays...at this point I want to give up the ghost.  Sigh.

I'm hurtin'.