Didn't get the nap, but did put in a good effort and got to lay down for an hour.  D sent out an invite for pizza and a movie, but I'm not really up for it - especially if there's even a remote chance that her other crew will be there.  I put up with them during the week, but choose to avoid at all other times.  Besides, B and I have a date tonight...

I'm still dragging my feet today.  Waiting is not a pleasant feeling.

Beth said that she thinks everyone has the ability to get through one LDR.  Just one.  Mine was cashed in a while ago...I learned a lot going through that process, but the knowledge doesn't make this one any easier.  I think having a vague idea of where the pitfalls are, helps me to redirect the way things go...but at the same time, knowing that it doesn't get easier makes enduring it all that much more difficult.  At least the first time around there's still that hope that it won't hurt so much.  There's hope that the pain subsides with time...there's hope that everything will be roses and rainbows after things get settled.  But I know better...and I know myself better...and I let myself feel more now...which all cumulates into a very tangible, very heavy weight.  How do you regain hope when you know that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel?  That it doesn't get better until it actually ends?

I know I can do it.  I know I can muster up the energy to fight...I always do.  But sometimes I just get tired of waiting for my life (one aspect anyway) to start.

Ok, enough of that.  I can't sit around all day waiting.  I have stuff to do and its time to do it.

It's 4pm and I'm ready for bed...or at least a really long nap.

The week finished off relatively quiet.  The 4th/5th year party was last night.  I arrived at 5 where the bar tab was still going and managed to get 3 beers before the 2nd tab extension ran out.  And what was even better than the free beer was a $50 voucher to Whitcoulls that I won in a raffle.  Super cool.

By the end of the evening, I was slamming down beers that the girls were handing me...bad habit from the ol' college days...I managed to stumble home (at least I'm not dumb enough to drive) and was lucky enough to catch Mark before his trip.

Sleeping was a struggle.  I woke up several times to drink water...and consequently had to get up several more times to pee.  The stomach was feeling really angry so I downed a few pepto bismol somewhere along the way.  I woke up at 8ish with a mission in mind.  I was going to run to town to fetch my poor car, then zip to the farmer's market, return home to put stuff away, and make it to the gym for body pump by 915.  It was a stretch but I managed.  =)

Talked to Beth today as well...was nice...but still not "there" yet.  Need more time, and probably actually seeing her next week will help. 

I puttered the rest of my day away eating, cleaning, grocery shopping, followed by more eating and cleaning.  I want to study, but...but there's always a but....

Geez, Wednesday night already?  Time is going by a little faster.  It's good.

Tuesday was uneventful.  Talked to Beth...told her about A&S...she thinks that there's "someone else".  I think so too...her actions and the way she headed north so quickly suggests that something has compelled her enough to change plans at the last minute.  I guess there are just so many little things that ring familiar when I was in her shoes.  It just fits.  But it's wrong.  I was wrong...

Today, went to physio and am finally coming to grips that I don't have to live with chronic pain.  Go figure.  There are a million and one reasons why I never sought help, but the fact that I won't stand for it anymore means a lot has actually changed.  I've changed.

I got an email from Mike out of the blue...our last conversation was pretty shitty and I am amazed at how things have played out.  I was supposed to be in Palmdale for NYE.  Mike and I were supposed to hang out and booze up...but there was just something about the whole situation that didn't sit right.  The conversation we had felt strained and there was just something about the way he was treating me (over the phone, mind you) that really pissed me off.  What's even more incredible is that I rang him the next day and called him out on it...that conversation was even worse and one of his comments was, "what happened to you?  This just doesn't sound like you.  It's not the Pauline I know."  Hrmph.  That irritated me even more and so I canceled our NYE plans...and went over to the Boys' with my sister instead...and the rest is history.

I totally forgot about that whole thing with Mike until his email jogged a memory loose.  It's just really trippy how trusting my feelings and not letting him treat me in a way I didn't appreciate (both are things I've never really practiced) has lead to...well...everything I have now. 

It's all just incredible...and I can't help but smile and be appreciative...and be in awe of where life can take you...and be excited about the prospects of what may lie ahead.  =)

I'm feeling...good.  =)

It is safe to say that I'm back in the swing of things.  I studied yesterday - against all odds - and even got my scooter working; although instead of being dead, it now squirts white smoke.  It's supposed to be an indication that its burning too much oil but I'm not sure how to fix that...yet.

It's not a bad start to the week.  The weather is really starting to cool down and I can't be in denial about summer for much longer.  Work is still somewhat slow - today was RQA refresh checkout...I hope it all pans out alright and that UAT isn't an issue.

Nothing else really...time for brekkie and maybe some cartoons before class.  It's going to be a long ass day.  I have equine this afternoon.  =(

Feeling quiet and distant.

It's been a rough few days with A & S splitting...it sucks...

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things...it's mostly alright, but as always, impossible to study.  Maybe I need some magic coffee potion...or just a good night's sleep.  The night sweats are unbearable.

Not sure how I'm feeling...alright I guess.  Still don't know whether to stay open or to distance myself a bit so that I can get some work done...maybe this is the time to try to do work and still stay open.

Here's to trying.

Tomorrow is finally Friday!  For the first time in 2 years, we have a class that starts at 9 instead of 8!  It's only for a semester, but I'll take what I can get.

Day has been quiet.  Finally went on a weenie run and am glad I did.  It kinda kicked my butt, but I just needed to start.  All is still stable and all the grub I consumed in Oz didn't leave me with a few "souvenirs" on my ass that I really didn't need. 

Really missing Mark right now b/c we didn't talk today...well, speak of the devil...

Two days of class down, three to go.

Talked to Beth for the first time in forever yesterday.  It was nice to hear her voice...but I noticed that I'm a bit scared.  I think I'm afraid that somehow she'll poke a hole in my "I'm doing good" bubble.  I'm afraid that I'm there because no one has really forced me to stop and question.  We'll see I guess.

One thing that gave me some food for thought was the idea that my life here and my life in LA are very separate...and that trying to bring the intense emotion felt over there into an environment where I'm accustomed to push all emotion aside for the sake of work/school is clashing.  She wasn't surprised that I sometimes feel disconnected here...makes sense, but still sucks.  Makes me miss Mark.

Work is really quiet at the moment.  I've got a few things lined up for August, but aside from a few upgrade related things, I've got nothin'.  I have 10 hours fixed that I haven't charged...that I think I'm supposed to charge...and 9 variable...but I have no idea what any of that means.  I feel dumb asking, but I guess its worse to not know.  If I can charge 19 hours, I should.  Why not, right?

The morning has been really calm...I'm slowly trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's strange trying to get through classes again - I haven't sat still for 7+ hours since October...it feels impossible to get back there...not to mention actually needing to pay attention for that time.

I have some time to burn before class...shower and clean the room a bit.  Perhaps call the sister...or maybe I should just sleep for another 40 mins.  =)

First day of class went well...only had 3 hours of lecture instead of the 8 that was scheduled.  Great thing is I got a lot of the "little things" done on and off campus.  Room is heaps cleaner, laundry is being sorted, and I've got all of the appointments that I needed to book, booked.  So far, so good. 

I have a super headache and am pretty homesick, but otherwise in good spirits...need to keep cleaning so I can get this crap out of the way once and for all.

It’s been a few days and I’m finally admitting to myself
that the vacation is over and that it’s time to get back into the school/work
swing of things.

Perth was
great…I learned a lot while there.  Not
only did I get to talk to 2 very smart Sr. Vets about vetty/career stuff, but I
got to know them as people…with demands on their lives put there by themselves,
their partners, or their children...

I had a great time touring and seeing different things and
really enjoyed the time spent running around or just lazing about doing nothing
but knitting.

I even had a few epiphanies…I know that I’m always trying to
draw a line between something and something else (e.g. being a brat and voicing
a need) but I’ve realized that it’s not a line…it’s a margin; sometimes a very
wiggly margin.  I also had to re-learn
that it’s not my responsibility to change anyone but myself…I will still hope
the world for the people I care about, but I am slowly learning that they have
to take the reins; it’s not my job. 
Lastly, I am beginning to realize that I’m not such a bad person after
all…and that opening up and just being me is good enough…no one really expects
otherwise.  It was always me who put the
expectations to morph, on myself.
 

Some memories from the past few days:
I stitched up a duck!! 
A live one even!!
“The vet told me to blow harder…so I did!”
“You’re here for your education and my entertainment.”
Head over handlebars while mountain biking…and finally
remembering why I don’t like mountain biking.
 

Speaking of mountain biking, I had a few thoughts while I
was on the trail…I think the whole experience is kind of a metaphor for life.  You have to aim your gaze for where you want
to go – not for where you don’t want to go (because inevitably, where your eyes
aim is where you go).  It’s also bumpy as
hell so you have to hang on…and sometimes you’ll just eat shit.  That may shake your confidence a bit…but as
long as you pick up and keep going, you’ll learn, get over your fear, and then
begin to enjoy yourself again.  I guess
it just rang a bell because of a few recent conversations about focus, forward
thinking, a positive attitude, and faith…ultimately, it’s trusting your bike
and keeping your focus on where you want to go that will get you over those
rough patches of track.  So I guess,
trusting the universe and keeping your focus on where you want to go will do
the same for rough patches in life.

What now?  Well…tons
of stuff to do, including some fun stuff like posting pics and stuff.  Otherwise, I have to clean the room, get some
cooking done, think out what I want my daily schedule to look like, and
possibly head up to campus to get a crack into planning the rest of the year…

Other things I shouldn’t forget:

Call Robbie, reschedule the clinic appt., look into
Healsville stuff, MSWCC, work emails/hours stuff, gym…I’m sure there’s more but
that’s all I’ve got for now.

Almost time to board the flight back to Palmy…sigh.

Rita's House

It has been a fairly quiet morning...had a pretty intense convo w/ Mark...not bad, just intense...thought provoking.

I'm feeling mixed.

It was just a difference in opinion, but I wanted to hear him out...after all that, I still disagree.  I don't think "love can conquer all".  I think that it takes more than that.  I think the little niggling things can add up and override the love.  Still, I think love can go a long way...I think love helps to build up tolerance and understanding.  But I wonder if there's a point where you just put up with shit in the name of love and end up trouncing on your own beliefs instead.  Isn't that why people remain in abusive relationships?  It's because, "he loves me"...he may beat you to a bloody pulp, but "he doesn't mean it"...yeah, whatever.  I don't know where that line lies...how do you balance being understanding versus being stepped on...how do I balance being a bitch and being a rug?

We also talked about the power of the mind.  Yes, the mind is powerful.  Yes, positive thinking goes a long way...but I also think that planning goes a hell of a long way too.  Anticipating what's to come, be it good or bad helps me to prepare myself...but he's right in that bracing for the bad just sets you up to see what it is you want to see...you see what you expect to see.  What I vehemently don't agree with is that what you fear is what you inevitably attract to yourself.  I feel like it implies a thread of desire...a desire to see your worst fears come to life.  I hope for the best but I plan for the worst...I don't want my fears to come to fruition...that's WHY I think of the worst...that's WHY I plan.  If you don't anticipate what could go wrong...how can you ever prevent things from going wrong.  That's why you lock your doors at night, right?  Well wishing can only get you so far, if you don't anticipate someone walking in, why would you lock your doors?  I never, never, never desired my mom going off...but she did...it was a fear...and if you don't anticipate...if you don't find ways to prevent it, then it would happen more often...and where does that leave you?  In the shitter for sure.  Life is full of unexpected things, good and bad...but it's hard to have faith that the good outweighs the bad when all you've done is try to hedge off the terrible. 

I know it's a difference in opinion.  I know its those differences that help to broaden your horizon and balance you out...but it's also the hardest to reconcile.  Isn't that why most people break up?  Irreconcilable differences?  Not to say this is one...it's a difference in philosophy which is based on life experiences.  But again, if you've come to know differences as being bad...as being betrayal...it's incredibly difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that there is another path to travel.  If you've come to know that being a separate entity and having your own thoughts and desires results in getting shoved out the door or getting the silent treatment, "coming into your own" becomes the riskiest thing you've ever done.  You risk getting cast out...it feels like a matter of life and death.  It goes against what you know...what's been entrenched in your personality and the way you operate.  Sure, stuff can and will change...but you need time and baby steps...and sometimes, it's one step back, and two steps forward.