I'm getting laid off.

I found out yesterday when George "had to talk to me".

My gut reaction was actually one of joy. I have been toying with the idea for so long, but never had the guts to do it because the pay was so good. Well, that decision has been taken out of my hands and I'm grateful.

It's strange...there's something happening; I can feel it. It's an energy that's charged with change and it's sort of guiding our lives right now. I feel like it's a new beginning...like the start of something great. It's exciting. It's nice...it's hope?

Mark is still out of work, but has decided to do an internet detox. I think it'll be really really good for him...it will be interesting to see how he fares and what will burble up to fill the void. I'm hoping it'll be just what he needs to sort through everything in his head. Anything can happen.

So now that we'll both be out of work, the money situation is just that much worse off...and I have to get a loan. I'm still not very happy about it. I guess it still feels like the burden of finding enough money to live and pay for school...and eventually repay that loan...is my sole responsibility. Even though I know it's not, it still feels that way.

I'm tired.

The first "real" rotation started this week; surgery.

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster. There's so much to take on at once, and there's really no easing into it. I suppose I got it easy though; it's been a relatively slow week compared to what other students get. Despite how slow it is, I still got to do my very own cat spay. A real client! It was very nerve wracking at first, but when I got going, it got easier. I felt so clumsy and my hands were shaking most of the time, but I know it'll go away in time.

For the first time in a while, I actually had fun and liked what I was doing. It was nice.

My body is complaining pretty hard though. My pulled hamstring has been giving me trouble all week; I am going to try to take it a bit easier today and rest it more. Standing and walking around all day is very tiring...it's just very different from the usual sedentary student lifestyle.

I have next week off and am pretty happy about that.

Just two more days to get through.

On vacation, and though it's nice, I am beginning to get stir crazy.

I got to scrub in with Andrew today for a cruciate repair...and it really is amazing to see a good surgery being performed by a skilled surgeon. I guess that's why he makes all the big bucks, he's a good surgeon. Was neat though; I was petrified of him, but he didn't fire tons of questions or anything...just chatted like a normal person. Crazy.

Week has been tumultuous; I like this clinic. It's not as 'hands on' as I'd like, but in a way, I think it's just me not asking to do stuff enough. I'm definitely not as proactive as I could be, but I think these folks like me well enough as is. I guess I'll see what they have to say on evals. I'm curious to see what Richard has to say.

Other than that just feeling the same ups and downs as usual.

Mark is looking for work now, and we're hopeful that he'll get something soonish. It sucks to feel like money is real tight, but we have it pretty good compared to most.

Have been really shit about work lately. I just hate feeling like an incompetent retard all the time. Not just during the day in the clinic, but I get to come home and feel even worse when dealing with work and the missed deadlines and broken programs that need debugging. I dunno. I'm sure if I just devoted more time to it, it'd be fine, but I just hate it. I'm entertaining the thought of quitting, but I don't think I can. Partly because I want to get out of that constant feeling of being poor and making money is the only way to really resolve it. I don't think my requirements for daily life are all that extravagant, but no matter how much money I make, I never see any of it...I still feel poor; like I can't just relax. I guess I'm just paying for all those trips back to LA and being spoiled by having my own place for 2 years instead of flatting. Oh well. Another reason I want to keep going is because it pays damn well. Even though I stress about it all the time, when there's nothing to do, I'd still make enough to cover rent for the month - just 8 hours of work for all that. And since Mark is transitioning...I dunno. I'm just conflicted. Working makes me stressed, not working and being poor makes me stressed. No winning.

Ideally, we'll win the lotto and live happily ever after.

But until then, it's back to work...back to life.

Made it. I passed all my classes; no supps even! I'm officially a 5th year student. This time next year, I'll have finished vet school.

Things are still taking a while to sink in. In a way I don't want it to be true. I think I'm just adamant about staying where I am. I want to be stuck. I am afraid to move forward, but I don't know why. No reason in particular...just think life is hard. And I'm tired...too tired to want to try. I'm stuck; forced to keep at it because of my sense of duty, but really wanting to just let it all go.

I don't get why...when everything is so good...why it still feels so difficult. Just makes me feel worse because I know none of it is justified. Makes my head spin.

The past week was good. Spent time in Farm Services...learned a lot, but had a hard lesson in "health and safety" when I burned my right hand on a disbudding iron. Hand is a bit crunchy now, but I'm sure it's not as bad as it could be. Richard and Kevin were great and I had a lot of fun doing PA stuff. It made me second guess my smallies choice, but Elly reminded me that it's great fun because there are other students and people around...disbudding 150 calves is only tolerable in a group. I can't imagine doing all of them alone. Boring.

Next week will be at CityVets working on smallies stuff...will hopefully have a functional hand by Monday.

Mark's birthday today/tomorrow...had Hell pizza as a treat, but wasn't as spectacular as I remembered. Stomach is a bit unhappy from the meal. Excited about tomorrow...not sure what it holds, but just want to spend it with my birthday boy.

Tired. Shower. Sleep.

I can't sleep. I've been up since 5am tossing and turning, but finally decided to get up.

The past few days were spent at Charlie's and I don't know what it is, but my heart's just not in it. It just feels like work. I don't know...I keep waiting for the day my head will finally be on straight, but it feels like I catch a glimpse and then it's gone again; so melodramatic, I know.

The clinic work itself is alright. The fact that I know so little is really humbling; you'd think I'd have learned stuff by now, but it's never enough. There have been a few interesting cases...mostly those grey inconclusive head-scratchers. There was a horse with a head tilt, a pomeranian with 2 broken forelegs - and finally a broken plate, and a number of other ones which I can't recall. A lot of time this week was spent at the greyhound track...which is normally far from "real" work. One thing does stick out in my mind...a greyhound euth that I did. It was the waggliest dog...really excitable and happy...it wagged its tail and wiggled to the very end when it fell of the end of the needle. Wagging one second, black bagged the next. It was such a contrast...and I was the one responsible for that transition.

Just two more days in the clinic and then the weekend. Two days...

It's been less than a week since the end of finals, but it feels like it was decades away. I guess we're programmed to move on and to forget easily.

Since then, I've done mostly nothing...clean the house, play video games, cook, and run errands...ok, that is something. Lots of stuff. Vacation is always busy, but at least not as busy as taking finals. I don't start up again until next week at Charlie's. I know it's the easy way out, but whatever.

I have to get a bunch of work-work done today...been slacking off on that too much. It'll be good to get that out of my hair; considering it's due real real soon. =/

Other than that, life is good.

4 left. One tomorrow and the next day, two days "off" then one on Tuesday and finally Wednesday. Less than one week til they're all done.

Just watched Obama's speech, hopeful, but wary. He's a smooth talker there's no doubt, but it's a long and hard road, I hope he can make good on his promises.

Bummed about California's Prop 8. Really bummed.

Still alive...if just barely...stressful few days. No idea how they've gone, but I can only say that I'm tryin. 6 down, 5 to go.

Ugh. Had medicine yesterday - went alright. Had surgery today...not so alright. I've felt better about tests, but at the very least I tried. Nothing was so off the wall that I didn't score any points, but a point or two here and there tends to add up. It's sad that I'm worried that I didn't get at least 50%. So much for those good ol' days when I was acutally smart. Things were different back then...maybe I had more to prove. Now, I just want to get by.

Brain is still puttering along...another test tomorrow...should probably prepare.