Right now, I feel safe.  It's a little shaky, but its there and I relish it.  I never imagined that this was possible...it makes me happy and hopeful...and I know it'll just get better...how exciting.  =)

The universe works in mysterious ways.  I know that without this distance, that my separation anxiety would have stayed buried for a really long time...and would have inevitably led to a lot of stress and strain for the both of us.  I don't know if we would have gotten through it.  I know that this distance has forced me to face, what I consider, the most despicable trait I harbor.  I'm going at it head on, and though I've never felt so overwhelmingly fearful due to the exposure and confrontation (to the point of getting physically ill), I got through it and am now on the other side.

I've got nothing else to hide...which really means, I have nothing left to fear.  To be seen and accepted is...really something.  I guess you can take it literally.  I think one of the biggest fears that most people have, is that first physical exposure with a new partner.  That self-consciousness can be really overwhelming...you don't know how the other person will react...or judge you.  And again, to be seen and accepted as you are... =)

...watching Jaws now...and so far, the scariest thing in this movie is the Mayor's reluctance to put people before politics...it's especially scary because it happens everyday.  The number of shark attacks on people is statistically insignificant by comparison. 

Ok, that is a pretty damn big shark.  I'm a bit scared.  =/

I miss Mark.

Ask and you shall receive...

I didn't want to go out with Robbie today...and as it turns out, he's playing with the kids this afternoon and is letting me have the afternoon off.  Yay!

Still mixed about this morning.  How is my life any different than what it is now if we don't talk?  If I don't feel connected?  What does the relationship provide then?  On the flip side, feeling connected, but not being able to do anything about it is torture.  The more connected I feel, the more I want it...and the more I seek it...which I will always opt for in place of things like working or studying.  I do what I HAVE to do, but I'm so good at procrastinating and knowing that I'll be fine in the end; I know I can afford to put things off until I absolutely have to do it.

But this is the year of change...

I need to learn that distance doesn't equate to punishment and abandonment...and unfortunately, this is a 'learn by doing' type of activity.  I'm just afraid that I'll be more inclined to keep going.  I guess it's a natural progression...I know that I'm safe while connected (that took a while)...now I have to take it one step at a time and endure the uncertainty of that distance...until it becomes certain that things are still safe...heh - sorta like dog training.  Woof!  I should set up a reward system for myself....hell, I already have the DAP - it's just in pillow form.

Beth suggested I consider animal behavior and the reaction to stress, pain, and trauma.  Like when Guinness first came to us...you couldn't move your hand up quickly without her flinching.  Or how she was a glue dog at the dog park.  She had so many "issues".  Now, most of her phobias are gone...and she's quite the social butterfly at the dog park.  She'll leave, romp around with some buddies...but inevitably, she'll stop playing and look around for us.  Once she spots us, she rockets over to get some hugs...and after a minute or two, off she goes again.  Sometimes she doesn't see us before we notice that she's looking...if we don't call her, you can see her start to panic - she'll begin running in a random direction and will stop and scan again.  By that time, I feel so bad for letting her suffer, I just call her over.  She just needed to check in and be reminded that things were ok and that we didn't leave her.  Time, patience, and compassion got her to where she is now...a much happier, much more secure dog.  But I never loved her any less for any of it...she was never a bad dog...and shit, how many times have I said, "It's not the dog that's bad, it's the owner who hasn't taught it well."  Now I'm supposed to apply what I know about all of that, to myself.  I get it...I understand what she's getting at...I guess I just have to go at my own pace...and be patient and compassionate to myself (as much as is possible anyway)...as long as someone is there to see it through.  But I am not a dog.  I should be able to do more, understand more...and it frustrates me that I still feel the way I do.

I have so many domestic things to do, but I know they'll get done much sooner than I will have the time, motivation, and brain cells available to study...so after a quick nap, I'm going to go somewhere for some study.

Had some of the craziest dreams last night...dreamt that Mark got in a fight at some amusement park with this big Indian guy...dreamt that I went to a museum about wood and the evolution of its use, with Joe...dreamt that my mom went to Rx with me...

I'm sure there are tons more, but dreaming is hard work...and I'm just as tired now as I was when I went to bed last night.  Funny how that works.

It's a late start and a short day today.  I'm supposed to be going out with Robbie, but I think I'm gonna pass and ask if I can do it after Easter.  Bar-B-Grog is tomorrow and if I don't want to be mud wrestling by 1030, I need to get sleep...and fluids.  I've heard stories of people going into the clinic after a hard night of drinking and setting up their own IV line.  Hah - nice.  Damn human doctors have it easy...so many easily accessible veins, no fur, and a patient that can sit still when told to.  Blah.

Mark is back home, but I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to him - not while we're both well rested and in our right minds anyway.  Hopefully tonight...

Work has been eerily quiet.  I don't even get any DISCO emails anymore...and I've decided that I'm not going to push for more work - not right now.  I just can't...money would be nice, but I know how much strain it would put on me...and I'm already run down as it is.

I'm talking to Beth tonight...and am really looking forward to it.  Things feel really different; like everything is ok and will be ok.  What a godsend she's been.

Time to start my day...

Still not sleeping well.

I was exhausted last night, but had trouble falling asleep - no doubt due to the fact that I had coffee at 5pm, coupled with some chocolate cake, and no dinner.  I'm still doing the wake up way too early business...hence this entry at 4am NZT.

It felt really...amazing last night.  At one point the image of the Berlin wall coming down popped into my thoughts.  It was something that I saw when I was like 8 and haven't thought of since, but there it was.  I got the image of a crack letting light into something that was pitch black...things felt light.  It's definitely a good change from the insanely heavy stuff that's been swirling around my head (and dribbling itself out here).

I feel good...hungry, but good...gonna putter around a bit and get my day started.  Really busy and long day ahead, but it's all labs today and the Sheep lab has been partly canceled.  Yay.  =)

Breakthrough.

Phew...day has been pretty good...went to yoga during lunch and am happy about that, but the true highlight of my day was when I ran into Brett in the stairway.  Ahhh...Brett... =)  We got out of class early so I came home for a bit before grabbing Bethany to go study.  I did good.  I figure I need to get work done because Saturday is going to be a complete write-off...and in all likelihood Sunday too.

I can't believe everything that's happened in the past 24 hours, has happened only in 24 hours.  It feels like it was a week ago.

Last night was intense, sucked really.  Talking to Beth always beats me up a bit and my innards are more exposed.  Being in that frame of mind is fine when all you plan to do for the rest of the night is curl up in bed; anything more is asking for trouble.  I didn't want any trouble...but I feel like I incited things a bit because everything is on high alert and the slightest insult becomes a terrible blow.  Last night was a terrible insult, and a catastrophic blow.  But it had to happen.  I know I denied it, I know I can reason my way around it, I know I can convince myself and convince him otherwise...but at the end of the day, he's right.  I am ashamed and feel horrible about it.  I feel defective and deformed.  I feel unworthy; like this characteristic will outweigh everything else that I am.  That this will be enough reason to cut me off...so my reaction is to restore the image I want to portray or to break away first. 

I know this isn't "normal".  I know why.  I don't know how to make it stop.

I do know, like a physical wound, you have to admit that there's an injury.  You have to expose and explore it to find out what you have to work with.  You decide where you want to get to...and then you can draw up a plan to get there.  It's such a simple principle in theory, practice is another matter.  There's a reason that animals have a survival reflex.  There's a reason that there is herd victimization...but drilling that out of my head is difficult.  But it's not impossible.

So here it is.  I admit that it's a big problem.  I admit that I try to cover it up.  I admit that its roots run very deep.  I admit that it is a part of who I am; that this is the reality I have to work with.  It is what it is.  No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise...no matter how tightly I close my eyes or wall myself off, it is what it is.  It's reality.

Quiz today.  Not done studying.  Didn't sleep well.  Stressed about money.  Busy day ahead.

Another week under the belt - just 7 to go.  I think, though it's still hard to be apart, that the time is passing at a decent pace.  I guess it's one of those - a watched pot does not boil sort of things.  Just keeping busy.

Day has been pretty good.  Only had 3 hours of lecture today.  One got canceled because the prof was sick.  Instead of Lab, I ended up tagging along with Robbie.  I am determined to do some equine reading/anatomy review before Friday so I can make the most of my horse time.  Why not right?

Worked out again today, felt really good.  Eating is still a bit of a monster; my appetite is still voracious, but my activity level has plummeted.  I don't spend all day digging turtle nests or walking so it's an unsustainable road I'm walking down.  I'm aware so it'll be fine.

Not much else really.  Have clin path to study and a boyfriend to pine over.  The usual...maybe some video games to play too... =)

The coffee returneth.  Had my first cuppa (half cuppa really) and am reaping the benefits.

Read the first section for clin path and finally organized my notes.  Need to get through the rest of hematology tonight and hopefully read through anemia.  Quiz on Tuesday.  But for now, break time!  Gonna guitar hero for a few songs.  =)

...really rough night...glad I didn't do anything stupid...was pretty close, but didn't.

It seems I prefer to know for certain that there's no going further, than to wait and hope.  It's poignant...