Its funny.  Mary said she can hear, in my voice, how happy I am...how whole I sound.  She said that she's never heard it from me or seen me like this before.  What's funny is that I've had one of the most intense mornings in recent memory- I still feel exhausted.  I've been having a lot of those lately, but this one was a doozie. 

I think as each one comes and goes, it gets easier to confront and move on, even though the pain is progressively worse.  I've been told countless times that no one has ever died from an emotion.  It's just a feeling and no matter how desperate it feels, it won't kill you.  I know, it sounds silly, it's quite obvious that feelings can't kill you, but they still pack quite a punch.  Lots of stuff won't kill you, but I'd still stay away because they're wholly unpleasant.  But that's my homework...to tolerate that feeling of...being completely bare and defenseless; vulnerable.  Whats worse is that I am even supposed to set time aside and get there on purpose.  It's strange to fight to stay in that state of being terrified instead
of doing what any living creature would automatically do - get the fuck
away.  It's no wonder I'm somewhat masochistic - that margin between what's considered "good" and "bad" is so grey that it takes on new form that's neither, but just is.  I get all confuzzled.

I spent a lot of time reading over the old letters today; mine and his.  They're a godsend.  It's like owning the DVD to the best experience in the world and being able to replay, rewind, and jump to your favorite chapters.  As I read I can't help but recapture some of those brilliant feelings.  It's good.  I'm gettin' old; I need all the reminders I can get.

That's why, despite the morning's events, Mary could hear me be all soppy and happy and crap - I guess it's because I am. =)

My horoscope for today:

Saturday, April 5


There could be a variety of things for you to have to deal with today.
And if you're too sensitive about things right now, you could end up
over-reacting and getting into some conflicts early in the day.

haha...sigh.   At least the morning is almost over.

Almost ran over a biker today...was zoning out.  Feel kinda bad, but eh.  No harm done.

Its a good day to be numb.

Ok, I get it.

Tomorrow is the last day hoo-rah!  Did PDs today and am getting it.  It feels good.  I really like largies work.  There's nothing better than being outside on a fine day just working away.  I'm sure it's not always like that, but at least it's not seeing the inside of the same consult room over and over again.  It's not too surprising that I like both largies and smallies...I like my variety.  I go both ways.  =) 

Feeling fine for the most part...got my taxes done at least...just want to sleep tonight.

I'm cold.  It's cold.  It's going to get down to 9C tonight (48F).  I know I'm a wimp when it comes to cold.

Day went a lot more smoothly than yesterday.  Did some PDs and euth'd a calf.  It had gotten wire around its hock which cut all the way through and all the way around.  The flesh was peeling off; it looked gross and painful.  I felt really bad for the guy.

After work B and I wandered around Fielding looking for a chip shop.  The place we stopped at sold two fried chicken legs and chips for 3 bucks!  A meal (for me anyway) for 3 bucks - it's not a very good, nor high quality type of meal, but it fills the tank.  Can't say I'd do it again though...it's really easy to buy shitty food because its easy...being healthy takes work.

Tomorrow is system checkout in RQA it was supposed to start at 9, but it got pushed back...I hope we can start a little early since I need to be outta here by 830.  Kinda scary...shouldn't be too bad though.

Missing Mark.

Yesterday was exhausting.  I expend more energy when  I don't have something to do than when  I'm busy.  There was a lot of down time in the morning, and then the marathon session in the afternoon (without having anything for lunch) pretty much killed me for the rest of the day.  I went to bed at 830.  Slept for 10 hours, but I'm still tired.  Looking forward to the weekend.

Rabbit Rabbit.  First of the month.

It's 6am and after yesterday's scramble, you'd think I'd be up and about getting ready, but na.

The clinic is fun...largies has a whole different feel to it than smallies; makes sense.  I'm not sure which I like better.  Both?  Its just different, and I like variety.  Yesterday I got to practice PD on some cows, go on a few horse calls, and do some misc. cattle calls.  I spent the afternoon with the smallies and got to lance a cow-worthy abscess off of an old black lab.  That thing was under so much pressure that simply jabbing a 20ga needle into it resulted in creating a puddle of goo that the dog proceeded to lay in.  Yum.  The abscess trend continued with a terrier who had one in its foot.  It was good.  I think I did alright, but you never know...I just hope I made a good enough impression.

Things are mostly good.  Slept a good chunk last night - not totally looking forward to the day, but only because I'm lazy.  Missing home for whatever reason...maybe just wanting comfort.  Being 'on' all day is a bit of a change, and quite exhausting.  Couple that with the overwhelming aspects of being an idiot student, and that makes for some very low evenings.  Guess it makes perfect sense, but sucks all the same.

Time to hop to it (get it?  Rabbit rabbit, hop to it?  hahaha....sigh) have an hour to get ready and get outta here.

Grumpy. 

Couldn't really sleep.  Watched Animal House instead.  Can't say its my favorite, but it had its moments.  I am biased though - I've never been a huge fan of movies of the "dumb funny" sort.  That said, this movie isn't one to be watched when you've had a long, hormonal, week and are only watching because you couldn't sleep.  I'm sure I would have loved it had I:
1. Been drunk - beer makes everything better.
2. Had company - I tend to lighten up more when others are laughing too. 
3. Been in "the mood" - beer would have facilitated this too.

Overall, had a good week.  Looking forward to a restful weekend.  Want to study (I know!!) and just relax.

Finally caught up with Elly today.  Dinner consisted of chips, bagel crisps and dip, and home made sushi.  Balanced, I know.  It was really great to catch up with her.

Have had a lot on my mind...but for the most part, things are good.  The clinic was really good today - I want to be a vet when I grow up.  =)  Work managed to sort itself out, and it was kinda annoying but worth the 3 hours I'm gonna charge.  There are worse ways to spend that time.  Haven't talked to the fam in a while...not entirely motivated to.  Mark is...Mark.  I miss him.